doctor: what is it?
me: *pulling down pants* is this normal?
doctor: not in the middle of the street it isn’t
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*controversially folds piece of paper lengthwise*
“You should eat only six fries per serving.” What’s next? Telling us something psycho like eating an entire pizza doesn’t count as one serving?
Romance is weird. My wife said she wanted fantasy play but got angry when I handed her the wizard beard & 20 sided dice
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into an optometrist*
Horse: Holy shit please help me
I swear every time my iPhone unlocks by my facial recognition, I hear it chuckle.
That mini-heartattack you get when you sport a typo in your tweet.
“I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” seems like a great slogan for tequila
Dude (seeing girlfriend use eyelash-growing serum): I need a ton of this before my high school reunion
[at reunion]
Classmate: You have spikey black hair? I’d heard you’d gone bald
Dude: Just temporarily (his head blinks)
“I’m gonna sneak some candy”, my 4yo announced loudly.
Do you ever follow accounts blindly and then find yourself in bad poetry or emu farmer Twitter?
me: raising kids is the most rewarding thing you’ll ever do
kidnapper: just pay the ransom, I’m not keeping them
I watched a guy at the gym put his shoes on like:
Sock, shoe. Sock, shoe.
And then he walked away like it was completely normal.
I was with my friend when he got pulled over and he said “just be cool” as if after a lifetime of trying I would suddenly figure it out then
*covers puddle with a jacket so a lady won’t get her shoes wet*
LADY: MY JACKET!!!
Hey i am sexy to you now
Me: people who betray you need to know that they make us incapable of trusting again
My mum: it was one mango that was bad of the lot! Just let the vendor go!
I just met the most interesting man at the laundromat
And then I realized that he can’t even afford
A washer or a dryer
*starts watching Top Gun*
*seriously hopes Goose doesn’t die this time*
Why is my kid asking me to play go fish like I didn’t birth her a twin and a brother for this exact reason?
Bit chilly again tonight.
What did the little champagne bottle call his father?
Pop!
Guys, if you forget your girl’s birthday, just look into her eyes and say, “I love you.” Then run, because that is not going to help.
Van Gogh: “Dude, I saw this hella vase of sunflowers today.”
Gauguin: “Pics, or it didn’t happen.”
[van gogh pulls out oil paints & easel]
Because I’m on diet, I only ate half of a donut and saved the other half for 2 minutes later.
3: *throws plate in sink
Me: but you barely ate!
3: yeah, I’m full…what are you eating?
Me: the same thing you had
3: can I have a bite?
Worm gf: would you still love me if I was a human?
Me: eh… let’s eh… let’s talk about something more realistic ok
A lil bit a Peppa Pig in my life
A lil bit a Piglet by my side
A lil bit a Wilbur is all I need
A lil bit a Babe is what I see
A lil bit a Miss Piggy in the sun
A lil bit a Pumpaa all night long
A lil bit a Porky Pig here I am
A lil bit a u makes me ur man
Feral Hogs Number 30-50
I can tolerate a lot of the familial depravity in #HouseOfTheDragon but I gotta draw the line at someone naming both of their twins Eric
If the police ask, I was in my house from 2009 to 2013.