Planning sweet revenge on my wife: Once she’s napping, I’m gonna burn the shit out of some popcorn
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Bad news: I squirted ketchup all the way up my sleeve in a public place.
Good news: You can’t really see it because my sleeve is red.
Bad news again: I smell strongly of ketchup.
Caller ID isn’t enough for Me I need to know why you’re calling.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them.
I don’t care what color or creed you are. Or what your religion is. Do not eat my work sandwich.
I have a strange power dynamic with the cat as I can’t tell if I’ve been evicted or deposed. Either way, the centre of the bed is no longer mine.
I’m not religious but I know there’s a hell because Monopoly exists
Me: check out this new gadget. It carbonates anything!
Friend: cool
Me: yeah even blood
Friend: um I gotta go
Me: lol no you’re staying
That’s as old as the hills
hills: (offended) Hey
Once you find someone who’s rock solid about you, don’t take them for granite.
Protip: When your kid interrupts your next Zoom meeting just say “Oh, thats just the intern”.
Me: And when there was only one set of-
Jesus: Dude, just tell the cops there were TWO sets of footprints in the sand!
imagine being 93 years old and then you’re bit by a vampire and you’re stuck being a 93 year old forever
[Lady is being robbed]
“Help, Social Media Man!”
[Social Media Man swoops in & creates a facebook page called Mugging Is Bad]
you can run but you can’t hide
*explaining the difference between tag and hide and seek*
When I go out in public with my brother; people think he is my boyfriend, which is crazy because we broke up over 12 years ago.
King’s men: sorry your highness…we couldn’t put Humpty Dumpty back together again
King (drunk af): let the horses try
Dear God I need smarter followers.
God: Me too.
her: let’s try roleplaying
me: can I be a hypochondriac?
her: you got it
me: *suddenly nervous* got what
people always love to claim that a celebrity’s death is “unexpected” but they never actually release the data on which celebrities they expected to die that day
6 year old was FaceTiming a friend today and between the giggling and jumping around she went for a poop and stayed on the call throughout. And if I’m honest, out of my wife’s many talents I didn’t expect her to pass that one down
[Walk into a Cat Cafe]
Me-I’ve never eaten cat. What do you recommend?
Lady-They’re for adopting not eating
M-Oh, well can I adopt one?
L-No
” I made my famous dip for the office party”
You’re a regular Abe Lincoln.
“But he wasn’t a chef”
Exactly
[Job Interview]
“It says in your CV that you are quick at mathematics. What is 17 X 19?”
“36”
“That’s not even close”
“But it was quick”
I watched DJ Khaled on SNL and I still have absolutely no idea what it is he does exactly.
*falls down several flights of stairs, breaking multiple bones*
ME: *into headset mic* I’m in
Alarm clock that releases spiders… NOW you’re up. Million dollar idea.
Every person over 50, every Autumn: It sure is a pretty Fall this year, although not as pretty as last year.
*Turns on work computer*
*Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately locks computer as it’s now lunchtime*
*Logs back into computer. Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately closes down computer as it’s time to go*
People have ruined this planet and now they’re just like “Tag, you’re it!” to Mars.
Trying to watch what I eat again so I just ate an entire loaf of bread with half a jar of Nutella I’d say that’s a good start