Hell hath no fury like a woman who stepped on the Legos you promised you’d pick up
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If you eat enough hershey kisses, you can reform the wrappers into a kiss and replace it in the bowl. This is less funny if you live alone.
SHAKE WHAT YOUR MAMA GAVE YOU
*shakes buy one get one free coupon*
You could probably eliminate about 82 of your 99 problems by just minding your own business.
Warning: the life you are about to lead contains strong language, adult situations and nudity. Exister discretion is advised.
[Pulls away from kissing]
So you do want me to interview for the cat juggling job?
me: omg did you just steal that from the kitchenware department? you could’ve got caught!
him: what can I say, I’m a whisk taker
Me: Don’t worry, I have cold hard cash to pay for this.
*pulls coin bucket out of freezer
Wife: Please don’t tell any of your “jokes” at my work party. You’re gonna look like an idiot.
[later]
Me:
Parents should get hazard pay for sleeping in the same bed with a toddler
Mom: When I was your age I never had sex
Me: Mom, I’m 32
Mom: Exactly
Maybe your dog was descended from wolves; mine wants a mint on his pillow and concierge service.
Demon: So, we’ve got some mayonnaise and potatoes and a few other random things.
Satan: Excellent. Now mix them all together and call it a salad.
The scene in Rocky where he breaks open raw eggs and drinks them but me breaking open Cadbury eggs into a glass of chocolate milk.
Husband: “You should try going to bed earlier.”
Me: “You should take the 3yo to work with you.”
Him: “I’d get nothing done.”
Me: “EXACTLY.”
you: ant-man
me, an intellectual: uncle
KING: Behind one door waits a viscous tiger; behind the other, a fair lady. Now the prisoner must choose!
ME: Hey, if I open them both, will the tiger just eat the lady?
KING: That’s not… you don’t… c’mon, man.
Them: how are you?
Me: fine
Them: you don’t look fine
Me: then stop looking
I feel lethargic today. Probably has nothing to do with the two thousand grams of white sugar consumed yesterday.
If you’re tired of “food” and want to try something a bit more sophisticated, may I recommend “cuisine”?
Officer: I am going to need you to take a sobriety test.
Me: (whispers in his ear)
Can we make it science? Sobriety has never been my strongest subject.
Honey, I’m afraid we can’t get married anymore. weed_hitler69 just told me I was gay.
*looks at Xbox*
Thank you sir. You’ve changed my life.
Where do avocados come from? Uh, well, when a crocodile loves a pear very much…
My sisters a doctor and she’s always on call. She’s an oncologist.
I think the hot dog eating competition should award me extra points for not blinking during the event.
My Favorite Chops:
1. Karate
2. Judo
3. Pork
Frankenstein was 90% about someone making up a guy and then getting mad at him
I returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
Not to brag but I already took down the Easter Tree
The inventor of the tampon liked it, so he put a string on it
Sometimes when I’m sitting in a swivel chair, I’ll turn around quickly and smile and pretend I’m in the opening credits of a sitcom