FINALLY A BEAUTIFUL DAY THAT ISN’T 100 DEGREES OR POURING RAIN
[frogs start falling from sky]
You Might Also Like
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Now put your cats up!
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth.
Then it just becomes a soap opera.
[first date]
her: so what are you looking for?
me: [hits my head on the table] i dropped a shrimp
me:
Game of Thrones fan: man i just got out of a meeting that was a TOTAL Red Wedding. I thought heads were gonna roll like Ned Starks haha. Oh dont i owe you from lunch the other day? A Lannister always pays his debts! Anyway better bundle up out there, winter is coming LOL!!
Husband: Want any Chic-fil-A brought home?
Me: Yes, I’d like the one by the mall, please.
Just got ejected from my son’s little league game for arguing with the ump. I didn’t really care about the call, I just got bored and needed an excuse to leave.
bigfoot [eating a clown]: hey these might actually be my size
Netflix needs an “unwatch” button so you can watch the newest episode without getting caught
9yo: “Mom, I’m so nervous to go out in public…”
Me, mentally stretching as I prepare for a convo about gun violence, racism, stranger danger…
9yo: “I just keep thinking that a bird might think my hair is french fries and swoop and grab it.”
I made a book review bingo card. Critics are hailing it as ‘a remarkable achievement’.
All I’m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?
My 5-year-old loves pickles so much that I have to cut her off like she’s some drunk dude at a bar, “you’ve had enough, buddy.”
My new phone is being delivered by Amazon which means that I can track its movements for a day before it tracks mine for five years.
[3rd Date]
*To myself* ok, you really like this girl. Just play it cool, detached.
ME: I don’t even care what season we get married in.
No matter how often I scream METALLICA in the poolside DJ’s face I don’t think he’s going to play them. Here come the police they’ll help me
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
[bed]
ME: [with one foot poking out of the covers] Monsters could get me
ME: [pulling foot under covers] I am now completely safe
I only hug people when I need to wipe my hands off.
Movie makers: keep them under 2.5 hours. Bladders everywhere will thank you.
I cleaned the door glass and one of the dogs is barking at his reflection. That tells you how filthy the windows were.
A high-pressure hose will usually stop a coworker from showing you any more baby photos.
What I did to that ice cream is illegal is some states.
Me:
One of my moles: I shall grow a hair for you, master
There must be an invisible mechanism on my book. Every time I open it, my husband starts trying to talk to me
We’re living in two Stephen King novels. The Dead Zone and The Stand. If clowns show up I’m done.
When a really horrible person dies I always like to think of it as them being recalled.
As soon as I walk in, I can feel every woman at the gym dressing me with their eyes.
My almost 2 y/o can now open our pantry door and that MF’er won’t stop bringing me cans of soup.
me: what’s the best way to get healthy?
doctor: diet and exercise
me: what’s the next best?
“pew, pew, pew!”
-me, pointing out seating options in a church