Doesn’t count, officer, you forgot to read me my amanda rights!
“Your what?”
You know, my… [mumbles] banana rights.
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My phone autocorrected killed to kilt. Well plaid, phone. Well plaid.
Bartender: Hey! What’s new?
Me: Well, my girlfriend’s pregnant.
B: Congratulations!
M: Yeah.
B: What’s wrong?
M: My wife is SUPER pissed.
[Wrench factory]
BOSS: I’m proud to say it’s been 250 days without an injury!
WORKERS: *celebrate by tossing all the wrenches into the air *
All I want for Christmas is a survivalist training course so I can finally move to the woods, go off the grid, and not participate in society anymore until the government hunts me down and begs me to help them with a matter of national security, which I refuse.
Me: oh Finding Dory is on, what a fun mov-
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You’ll note the fish switch between fresh & salt water without repercussion
“can you explain this gap in your employment history”
yah i was a toddler
I like “found family” over “chosen family” because it makes it sound like I discovered them under a rock. like bugs. or worms
Be nice or I’ll put you in my novel and won’t change your name
most villains can be defeeted with a simple bone saw.
We can put a man on the moon, but we can’t think of a less terrifying way to can biscuits
I almost drowned trying to swim today. The security guard didn’t even care he just told me to get the hell out of the mall fountain.
[Home after awful day at work, my dog greets me]
Me: At least somebody’s happy to see me!
Dog: *shakes head, pulls banana from pocket*
why tf do americans say tuna fish? like what other types of tuna are there?
Me: I’m so tired. Can’t wait to go to sleep.
Body: Hold up there. Need to test nerve endings. Here’s a random shooting pain in your hand.
Me: No.
Brain: Here’s that weird jerking thing when you start to fall asleep!!
Me: Please stop.
Body: Itchy back!
I left a trail of rose petals leading to the bed and on the bed was a note that said “This is what happens to roses who cross me”
*drops trash in front of roomba* eat, little one. save your strength. we ride at dawn
My 10yo just RickRolled me so I’m busy choreographing a first day of middle school flash mob to teach this twerp a lesson.
A harried Japanese guy is ushering me to the starting blocks of the 400 meter sprint. Please help i dont want this. I am not fast
Dolly Parton is trending. I will just assume she’s won some Olympic medals and is acting like it’s no big deal.
I’ve started replacing “yes” with “sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serengeti.”
Boating season is upon us.
me 10m after sprinkling lavender essential oil on my pillow: I am one with all beings
me 10m after getting in my car: learn how to use the left lane you piece of human shit
*Rolls window down*
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: is it because I’m literally running down the street pretending to be a car?
Attending multiple open houses today… I’m going to walk into every empty room and ask “now does this come with the place?”
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Coffee costs less
Than a dinner for two
*mother squirrel pulls her child away from the curb just as he’s about to cross the street* junior no! wait for a car to come
Wife really liked the “sex anytime, anywhere” coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified “with me”
Bought a kazoo to stick in my husband’s mouth when he snores so he can wake himself up in the most annoying way possible
Legos cost way too much for smthg I still have to put together myself