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my daughter has been thrusting her stuffed animals in my face for me to kiss, but I’m being very selective so she learns to have standards
79.
“Is there really a fire? Prove it.” -Mrs. Doubtfire
10yo all day Sunday: I’M SO BOOOOORED
10yo at 10pm Sunday night: *Has never been busier in her entire decade of life*
“Who’re you?”
“I’m sorry, but Who’re isn’t actually an accepted word, you meant to sa-”
” I meant to say who’re, because you’re a who’re.”
After years of music lessons my kid asked me what an F hashtag was so clearly I can stop saving for Juilliard
yesterday i took apart an egg timer because the ticking was too loud. i thought when I got it open and saw all the gears id know what to do. this was not the case
Me: I don’t run away from fear, I face it.
Flying cockroach: hahahahaha
“It’s your father; he’s been hitting the sauce pretty hard.”
*My father stumbles in with hollandaise in a highball glass* wassssssup!
#rubbishjokes
Watched all Star Wars movies back to back with my friend.Luckily I was the one facing the TV.
[suspecting Kyle is a werewolf] ME: Ive laid out all the good silverware for us tonight
K: Its chips & salsa
M: Aaand? *stabs chip w/ fork*
ME: …but it’s dairy-free
WIFE: I don’t care, I’m not calling it “peanut margarine”
*bends over to pick a four leaf clover but gets struck by a falling ACME safe before doing so*
Deviled eggs is what happens when the wrong person gets you pregnant…
Always be kind. You never know who might own a hot tub.
Food bloggers could post a recipe for ice and it’d still be 3 pages long.
I’m surprised carving faces into vegetables after pulling out their innards isn’t incorporated into more American Holidays.
I like to wait to board the plane so the person seated next to me thinks they’ll have extra space and then I come in right before the door closes and ruin their lives
I have to eat my last meal of the day earlier and earlier as time goes by or I won’t be able to sleep at night
I had supper at 10:30 this morning today
I open the door slowly, slipping inside. I keep a measured pace, breathing evenly, keeping my heartbeat low. Five steps, ten steps; I begin to relax. A voice calls from behind me, ”Sir?” I ignore it. “Sir, what’s that in your pants?” I walk faster. “Someone stop that man!” I run.
Her: *drinking green smoothie* Try this. It’s all natural.
Me: Lava is all natural but you won’t see me drinking it.
I’m not an alcoholic, alcoholics go to meetings. I’m a drunk, we go to parties.
Charlie Brown can only afford the one outfit because he works for peanuts.
My boss said I have a lot of emotional intelligence which I think is his way of saying, “we’re worried about your actual intelligence”
🤣✨#caturday
It’s incredible how fast toddlers move. I had my eyes on my 1yo and looked away for 30 seconds and now I need to pick her up at the airport.
friend: want to go swimming?
me: *eating biscuits and gravy* no
I consider sexual harrassmemt a compliment. I mean they only do it if your hot right?
Why does watching a movie with the kids mean constantly having to remind them I didn’t write the script?
“What attracted you to our company?”
Well, I heard you pay money in exchange for work