Just congratulated my ex on dating someone so young that her Throwback Thursday photos are just pictures of her pregnant mom. I’m a dream.
You Might Also Like
*resolves to start taking better care of myself
*puts in a fresh pair of disposable contact lenses
Me: get behind me Satan!
Satan: not tonight, I’ve got a headache
Workplace micro aggression- throwing a staple at someone
workplace macro aggression- throwing the stapler at them
you visit my house and within moments i offer you strawberry shortcake. you decline but i put an entire cake on the table and begin cutting it. you are confused. it takes me 45 minutes to eat the entire thing alone and we do not speak
*Arrives at work 2 hrs late
Boss: HR wants to see you about your behavior
Me: Well, I literally just got here so it couldn’t have been me
“Come on man! I’m sure your superpower is cool! Show me!
“Ok” *stares at two glasses of soda* the diet is on the right.”
“Wow um..neat…”
Me: Now that you’re in kindergarten, you’re going work on being a good citizen to your classmates. Do you know what that means?
My 5YO: Yeah like don’t swear at them and don’t punch them.
Me: … yeah, pretty much
[Bomb will explode in 26 seconds]
*googles “how to defuse a bomb”*
*clicks top result*
*it’s a 17-page slideshow.*
GODDAMMIT
*an ad plays*
[Me as a doctor]
ME: I can’t find anything wrong with you. I suspect the problem is heavy drinkingPATIENT: Ok I’ll come back when you’ve sobered up
I love it when websites pop up a box to make me subscribe to read, and I always enter my real email address because it’s important.
Guess who doesn’t want to hear your kid sing? Everyone. The answer is everyone, so stop it.
hot take but IMO the internet was better when it was just dorks and social outcasts. after they let hot people on here everyone got all weird
My baby reminds me of Freddy Kruger: he’s got long, sharp fingernails, is most terrifying at night, and forces you to survive on no sleep.
Was just in an elevator with my ex, so I stopped at every floor to show him he was wrong on so many levels.
ME: What’s the capital of Germany?
SON: G
ME: So college is a no then?!
health insurance agent: and do you smoke?
me: *winking* only after sex
hia: *filling in the application* client doesn’t smoke
just pick it off the pizza, you won’t taste it
~ one of the many lies black olive lovers tell us
SATANIST #1: we need a lot of blood for this ritual
SATANIST #2: yeah but how can we carry it all
KOOL AID MAN: why is everybody staring at me
My fortune cookie reads “I peed in your fried rice” and it’s hand written…
If you run out of Christmas wrapping paper remember you can just write Jesus on the Happy Birthday.
That de-escalated quickly
It would have been cool to see the discovery of salt. “This food tastes bland. Let’s see if I can improve it by adding some rocks.”
[leaving the inventor of the piñata’s funeral] good lord
lost another rap battle bc i couldn’t rhyme anything with arthritis
them: are you with someone or are you alone?
me: *winks* who’s asking?
them: ma’am, this is a vaccination clinic.
CW: It’s 11:11 make a wish.
Me: I wish I could throw a clock at your face.
I got up and made the bed today like someone who wasn’t going to get right back in and take a nap
Hike in groups. Bears like to have options
Why do paintings of Adam and Eve show them with belly buttons?
My biggest accomplishment this week was my AirPods surviving a trip through the washing machine. And I don’t know whether to try harder or buy a lottery ticket.