[itsy bitsy spider diary]
Day 47 of my attempt to climb water spout. Weather looks good. Hopeful.
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Just heard my husband in the kitchen telling our cat “You’re not hungry, you’re bored. Drink some water.”
I thought it would be so cool to have twins before I actually had kids
Got some shoes from a drug dealer , I don’t know what he laced them with coz I’ve been tripping all day.
Jan 1st: New decade going fairly well, all things considered.
Jan 2nd: Australia appears to be on fire.
Jan 3rd: World War III announced.
Million dollar idea: App that mutes all crying babies, barking dogs, and car horns in movies.
Me: They were out of tampons, so I got you a box of bandaids instead.
Her:
BECAUSE YOU SHARED THAT VIDEO EVERY SINGLE PERSON HAS ABANDONED THEIR CAR AND RUN INTO THE FLAMES TO SAVE A RABBIT. THE RABBIT POPULATION IS NOW SPREADING FASTER THAN THE FIRE. THEY ARE 0% CONTAINED. I CAN HEAR THEIR LITTLE FEET COMING THIS WAY. OH NO MY WINDOWS ARE OPE
Not sure, but I think I just got to 3rd base with my toothbrush.
Good: being told by your friends that you have a big heart
Bad: being told by your doctor that you have a big heart
35+ crowd getting ready for the Teddy Riley vs Babyface battle
Sit in Starbucks and scream into your phone, “What we need is fresh screenwriting talent! An unknown! Where on earth can we find it?”
Siri, tell me what these manicure ladies are saying about me.
[at lunch with friend]
Friend: … but you didn’t hear that from me.
Me: [looking up from my phone] Hear what?
Friend: Exactly *winks*
Why did Shrek use the song “I’m a Believer” and not “It Must Have Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now).”
My mental health after scrolling Twitter for approximately 8 seconds
New comic up. “Ransom”
Living well is the best revenge. The second best revenge is carefully removing plants from someone’s garden & replacing their lawn gnomes with slightly larger lawn gnomes so they appear to be growing in size from eating the plants.
Dogs have it good. No one ever wraps my pills in thin sliced roast beef.
I have 8 pens in my bag, cause you never know when an octopus will mosey along and need to sign things.
yesterday at the farmers market when i was buying cucumbers, the old man selling them asked what i planned on doing with them & for a second I was like 👀 👀 👀 until he continued by asking if i was going to just eat them or pickle them because one kind is sweet and one kind is…
Like certain sexual acts I’ve engaged in, I don’t want to think about how blue cheese is made.
It tastes good and that’s all that matters.
archeologist 1: with the rosetta stone we can finally translate hieroglyphics!
archeologist 2: nice! what does this bird symbol mean?
archaeologist 1: looks like they’re saying…bird
archaeologist 2: hm ok.. and the cat symbol?
archaeologist 1: …you’re not gonna believe this
Confusing my grandchildren by filling the Easter eggs with chicken nuggets
“Don’t ask.”
Oh. I wasn’t even listening.
Me: Got your nose!
Baby: *drags from cig* Let me tell you how this is going down. You give me back my nose & maybe I let u walk out of here.
The most avoided species of shark is the Loan
My child saw my high school senior picture and practically screeched “MOM WHY DIDNT YOU TELL ME YOU WERE PRETTY??!!” so you guys just go ahead without me
Anyone else’s grandma used to slip them a five dollar bill like the mob bribing a witness not to testify?
“…just don’t tell your mother.”
If twitter ends I guess I’ll just mail my tweets to Reader’s Digest like I used to.
Me: can I check my account balance?
Sperm bank employee: it doesn’t work like that