What do you want to be when you grow up?
other kids: firefighter, doctor, scientist…
my 9yo: I’m gonna sell my Pokémon cards on the streets of New York.
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Genius move, Romeo & Juliet, for killing yourselves instead of getting married and spending the rest your lives wanting to kill each other.
There are 2 words that have opened a lot of doors for me in my life.
Push and Pull.
Normally I’m a curmudgeon who doesn’t think young people have anything worthwhile to say, but then today a 20 year old changed my mind when she told me I looked 10 years younger than I am.
Them: hey, you coming for drinks after work?
Me:…
My 9yo drew a picture of me throwing away their drawings which, ironically, is going to be the one picture I save.
I don’t know why people say life is short….this seems to be taking forever.
Man “addicted to brake fluid” claims he can stop any time he wants.
Just be thankful you aren’t quarantined with a roommate who has decided to work her way through the Taylor swift songbook on guitar, which she can barely play (me it’s me I’m doing that)
Goth karate is easy because you already start off with a black belt.
[Day 1 of the Olympics]
Me: I really liked that twisty turny thing he did[Day 10 of the Olympics]
Me: his quad toe loop was a bit under roatated don’t you think Johnny?
Johnny Weir: you’re not allowed in here
[At the funfair]
*Fire alarm sounds*
Me: *in the hall of mirrors* oh no.
“I love you” can be the most beautiful words you can hear from someone you truly care about, next to “I got this round.”
Pro Tip: If you’re searching for Moana You Tube video clips for your kids, DO NOT forget the ‘a’ on the end.
[ bob ross paints over me with a tree ]
#BadTimeTravelAdvice Plague, shmlague. 13th century Europe is where it’s at!
Me: This date is going well
Her: Yes
Me: You look sexy as hell
Her: Thank you
Guy she’s on a date with: dude
Me: ok 2 pizzas coming up
My kids were very upset to learn that we are eating animals when we eat meat, so they’ve decided to stop.
Except for the animals that make bacon, chicken nuggets, and hamburgers.
Hollywood is done for – you might not believe me, but this is Al.
Can someone call me right now? I’m at the dog park and my ringtone is a doorbell.
If someone tells me, “no rush” then I’m basically never doing it.
*Toddler grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, son.
*Husband grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, hon.
The lack of proof that Robert Downey Jr is stalking me just convinces me that he is very good at it.
We didn’t clean before our cleaning person came, and she just turned in her notice
[job interview]
“any questions?”
yeah is it Pets Mart or Pet Smart?
“ma’am this is a bank”
I know but you seem like a man with some answers
Don’t get me wrong, the evil stepmother was way out of line, but that line kind of starts to blur for me after babysitting someone else’s kid for more than 4 hours.
Me: Can I order the conch fritters please?
Waitress: The “ch” is pronounced like a “k”
Me: Okay Bick.
MOM: Goodnight. Sleep tight. Don’t let the bedbugs bite.
ME: I’d like to see them TRY *slowly pulls katana from beneath pillow*
GF: I think he’s gonna propose to me
Her Friend: How do u know
GF: I found a receipt from Kay jewelers for 7 thousand dollars
[I walk into the room with my hands behind my back]
ME: Hey babe have you ever seen a turtle with a gold shell
I just read a thing that said I should compliment myself on my decisions, regardless of outcome. No thanks, I’m not the government.