Heard my downstairs neighbor shouting “GET INSIDE NO GET INSIDE RIGHT NOW YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED OUTSIDE GET INSIDE” at about the same time 3 mornings in a row so looked to see what the new pet was and turns out its a roomba
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This is the coolest video you will see today.
95% of parenting is using your sock as a mop.
date: [breaks 3 minute silence] “you dont have to use the chopsticks just to impress me”
me: [trying to pick up my beer] “i can do it”
im not former gifted student. i am still gifted. put me in a fourth grade class i’ll annihilate them all like i did the first time
[Watching Alien: Resurrection]
*Alien dies*
Me: *skeptical* Not buying it.
If a peanut butter cookie between two chocolate chip cookies is considered a sandwich, then I may have had a sandwich or two for lunch.
Nobody:
Toy Makers: KIDS ARE PROBABLY HARD OF HEARING SO MAKE SURE EVERYTHING IS LOUD
I make sure my cat knows who is boss by grumbling loudly while cleaning out its kitty litter.
ME: (slowly undressing)
DMV PHOTOGRAPHER: Stop that.
What if animals were injured in the making of a film. would it say ”Tim hurt one monkey… he feels bad.”
Sorry for nicking your car w/my door, but you didn’t leave much room. It’s small, but I circled it with my key so you could find it.
4-year-old: Why does mom always yell at you?
Me: Marriage is complicated.
4: Is it because you’re stupid?
Me: Shut the door, I need privacy
4y/o: But we’re family!
Me: Families don’t watch each other go poop
4:You watch me poop!
Me:…take a seat
Her: did you remember to pick me up some tater tots?
Me: *struggling to keep sack of baby alligators from escaping* WHAT
I knock on the refrigerator door before opening it, just in case there’s a salad dressing in there.
The waitress brought me pulled pork sliders instead of beef sliders so I showed her who was boss
By quietly finishing my meal and tipping 30%
banned from the local bowling alley for softly moaning when i put my fingers in the ball
Being brave is overrated.
Just run away, screaming, like a normal human being.
People who talk with your phone on speaker like it’s a Star Trek Communicator –
we’re trying to have a society here. And everyone hates you.
Elderly woman at bus stop just said my son was “beautiful.” UM STEP OFF PERVERT UR LIKE 40x HIS AGE cc: @LAPD
Doctors HATE this weight loss secret! (Photo of a woodchipper)
[kicks in your door to apologize to you]
It’s offensive when people unfollow me just because I unfollowed them. My tweets are still good, yours are not.
I wish Kristen from finance would tell us her husband was an “attorney” one more time so I could feel better about shitting in her purse.
I let my work email inbox get too full and now I can’t send or receive emails. I don’t know why I didn’t think of this sooner.
I’m not intimidated by a pretty woman.
I’m intimidated by smart women, who happen to be pretty.
If you’re looking for a good place to buy a Blackberry, I’d suggest 2006.
“Say again” – I wasn’t listening
“Pardon?” – I didn’t hear you
“Eh?” – What are you on about?
“You what?” – What the hell are you on about?
“What did you just say?” – I might have to fight you
“I beg your pardon” – I might have to challenge you to a duel