If you’re driving a getaway car just remember the best way to lose the cops is to ship them via the post office
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My dad and I both have a gift for figuring out who the villain is in super hero movies we’ve already watched
I should invent a fake kid to give myself more things to tweet about. Oh, you’ll never guess what Jayden did today! He sneaked out of preschool, stole a school bus, and drove to Atlantic City. Lost almost two grand on a craps game. He is such a little handful!
Soon a hero will rise. Then he will fall again. Then he will rise and also fall. Wait. The hero is on a trampoline.
My snack didn’t taste very good.
Now I’m gonna hafta cleanse the palate w a large buffalo chicken pizza for lunch
I know. Life’s tough.
“hey dad, when did they outlaw hyperboles?”
“hmm i dont know son, like a bajillion million years ago? idiot”
*cops bust down door*
Cop – “Sir are your trafficking these children?”
Me – “No sir, they are my children.”
Cop – “ Then why are they screaming ‘HELP HELP, get me out!’ as loud as they can?”
Me – “Sorry, there was a fly in the car.”
Cop – “EWW, A FLY!!!”
How long can you soak pots & pans in your sink?
Please say 12 years
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
COW: Was I speeding?
COP: No
COW: Is it because I’m a c–
COP: It’s because you’re a cow.
People complain about their looks, but no one complains about their brains.
FB post from HS friend on pic: My boyfriend is such a dreamboat!
My comment: So was the Titanic.
The skeletons in my closet are making inappropriate sexual advances at the monsters under my bed!
Taking a road trip with my toddler made me realize that I do in fact negotiate with terrorists.
I have patio furniture in the friend zone.
One of my coworkers keeps stealing my lunch, so I included my favorite cucumber today. Hope she likes it.
In 1993, I saw a toddler slip on ice and land on a cat, but I didn’t have any social media outlet to tell people about it. So, here it is.
marie kondo: does this object bring you joy?
me, looking longingly at a piece of scrap metal in the basement that i could possibly use for something someday: hell yeah it does
“Why are the balloon bouquets more expensive than packaged balloons? It’s just air!”
Exactly
“What?”
It’s inflation
“I hate you”
me: I’m becoming very forgetful lately
doctor: can you give me an example
me: of what
Since I started making yachts in my shed, sails have gone through the roof
Still laughing at this stupid meme
so no-one told you life was gonna be this way *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot*
Being a little kid must be so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and your teeth will soon start to fall out.
them: Why don’t you think about what you’re doing?
me: lolz
My Fitbit mistook my panic attack for high intensity interval training.
In what can only be described as the least surprising coincidence of all time, I just found out that the 5 year-old girl who keeps stealing the buttons off my son’s shirts at school is named Coraline
would’ve started saving money in kindergarten if I knew life was gone be like this
son is fuming bc his sister is staying home from school AGAIN. he just opened her door and said “and here’s the liar in her natural habitat”
[valentine’s day]
gf: [reading my txt] “keith just said he’s going to give me 92 minutes of pleasure tonight”
her friend: “oh wow”
[later watching shrek 2]
me: “you look disappointed”
airline clerk: your bag is over 50 pounds so that’ll be an extra $25
me: yes, of course *checks high school physics notes* money reduces the impact of gravity on mass
Give a man a fish & he’ll be all “WTF are you giving me a fish for? That’s weird” Teach a man to fish & he’ll be all “Again with the fish?”