I was hoping to lose weight when I quit drinking, but it turns out that’s not how pregnancy works.
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A neighbour is blowing bubbles from their garden. Great, whimsical little flying blisters of plague.
Tomorrow I think I’ll just walk around restaurants with a clipboard shaking my head & hope they bribe me with free food.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: Wow. Nobody’s ever asked me that.
Interviewer: Take a minute to th-
Me: Arendelle.
My daughter keeps saying there’s no such thing as a mistake in the kitchen, which is just so adorably wrong.
Me gasping and flipping off the vultures as they circle above the running track
My wife calls it “silent treatment”. I call it “attractive disagreement period”.
Sometimes I’m depressed and then a girl stars one of my tweets and it’s like YAAAAYYYY NEW GIRLFRIEND!!!!!
Doc: The good news is this is a surprise birthday party!
Patient: But my birthday’s not till next month
Doc:Which brings me to the bad news
If you’re trying to kidnap me, just wave a bag of cookies and throw it in a windowless van. I will happily and hungrily follow.
[Family of lizards]
Mother: this our oldest son, he’s all grown up now and crushes buildings
Little lizard: ahem
Mother: *sighs* also, this our youngest he can get you 15% off car insurance
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
Dress for the job you want, not the job you have. Better yet, dress for jobs that don’t even exist. Werewolf psychiatrist. Clown assassin.
waiter: wine?
date: I don’t drink
waiter: water?
me: she said she doesn’t drink pal
I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
I still remember taking down that bullying 12 year old on the playground like it was yesterday. My Dad was so proud. Ah, to be 30 again!
Sometimes words are just not enough
And for such occasions, I have this flamethrower
Um, so you’re god’s gift to women? So was Jesus…look what happened to him.
You may want to rethink that.
First they make you step on the scale, and then they announce your weight out loud. It’s like the assistants at the doctor’s office don’t know anything about women.
Sorry man, I wasn’t trying to kiss you. You just had melted cheese stuck in your beard and I couldn’t help myself
My 4yo is trying to sell my own M&M’s back to me. This guy’s going places.
[Facebook Marketplace]
Me: Selling this guitar amp.
Guy: I will trade you another guitar amp for it.
Me: How does this make sense in your head?
I would have retweeted that but the sun was in my eyes and I got a lot of personal problems and I’m jealous.
I can’t tell the difference between large, extra large and jumbo eggs. There, I said it.
People keep wishing January was over like the worst month of the year isn’t coming up next. Thats like wishing someone would stop arguing with you and just punch you in the face.
I love children, especially when they cry and someone takes them away.
Lord Of the Rings is a story about a brave little Hobbit on a mission to destroy a ring and save the world, and his annoying friend Frodo.
Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker
Don’t open any messages you get from me. I’m not hacked, I’m just really mean
if the neighbor kid is driving you nuts practicing saxophone you can complain or teach her Careless Whisper – maybe be a problem solver
Peanut butter
You’re almost as good as chocolate
Which is almost as good as cheese
Which is tied with vodka-Poem about the food pyramid