*rolls up sleeves*
*gets high on sleeves*
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Go ahead and share your political views at this office party. We’re all friends here.
– alcohol
Behind every successful woman is a Man who let her down.
A million dollars to the person who invents a GPS that says “turn right at the Taco Bell” because what tf is 400ft?
[slowly rises from trashcan while 2 friends are making plans without me]
i am also free that day.
Taking my husband’s last name doesn’t mean I’m not a feminist it means I don’t want anyone I went to high school with to be able to find me ever again
MORPHEUS: choose the red pill or the blue pill
NEO: which one turns into the coolest dinosaur
Mama Bear: The porridge is ready
Papa Bear: Perfect let’s leave for a couple of hours
The coronavirus is exactly like that houseguest who won’t take the hint to leave but who also won’t stop killing people.
what idiot called it a best man instead of a lord of the rings
Me (while pouring you tea from a kettle marked ‘POISON’): I apologise. My ‘NOT POISON’ kettle is dirty at the moment.
facebook: do u wanna look at some memories 🙂
me: nah it’s ok—
facebook: on this day last year you took a cute photo with ur bf who cheated on you and left you for ur friend 🙂
me: [tearing up] th-thanks
Went to put some milk in my coffee this morning only to realize my kids drank it all. They leave me no choice.
Baileys it is.
Person: so, how are we today?
Me: well, I dunno about you, but I’m fine, thanks
Coming home from costume party dressed as a priest, and pulled over by Police.
Cop..You been drinking?
Me..Water.
Cop..I smell wine.
Me..Oh my God, He’s done it again!!!!!
me [after tossing your baby a piece of cheese] A dog would have caught it
Right before you die, maybe yell out something funny, like “hi God- wait a minute, YOU’RE NOT GOD”
Never run with scissors. Unless…
• You stole them
• You’re running a 400 meter scissor relay
• You’re being chased by giant paper dolls
Her: your SO annoying!
Me: you’re 😐
[using Ouija Board]
“Will i ever find true love–”
“NEW GHOST WHO DIS”
I have entirely too many new bruises for someone who isn’t getting laid
Sometimes I wonder what ever happened to people who asked me for directions.
I think whoever invented horseradish knew exactly what those two things tasted like together
Me: if we stay on budget for the next few months we’ll be back on track
My bathroom pipes: good plan, right after you fix this leak
If I were a music critic I would write things like, “He really steered that car into the driveway” or “Her music makes me want to eat a quality pizza”
godzilla: lol KING kong, a little pretentious aren’t we
king kong: oh you’re one to talk
This is one for those who have seen certain US TV commercials. 😂
Eclipse is too dangerous for my eyes. I’m going to stare at 11-point font google docs on my smartphone all day instead.
Me: *trying to fill the void with food and booze*
Fellow Astronaut: THAT WAS 12 YEARS WORTH OF SUPPLIES!
My mom just asked me if the yams are organic like she didn’t raise me on penicillin steroid cow meat and food coloring
starting a cleaning service for people with ADHD. I won’t be doing any of the actual cleaning, I’ll just be calling you at random times to tell you I’m on my way to your house and I’ll be there in about 45 minutes