My Ex Sarah ghosted me. Some experts call this phenomenon, Sarah-normal activity
You Might Also Like
Spoiler Warning: Playing possum when you get pulled over will NOT get you out of a speeding ticket…
Me, noticing that no one responded to my email yet: “Wow, rude.”
Me, noticing that I have an email in the “Scheduled” queue in Gmail: “Oh.”
McRib stands for My Chemical Romance Is Back
what if eric trump is actually a nigerian prince
writer: it’s based on a book
movie producer: ok
writer: about a boy who lived
producer: *yawns* boring. all boys live. can u leave
writer: *starts walking* ok but there’s a grumpy wizard hat
producer: wait
Them: “Would you like to eat an entire loaf of bread?”
Me: “No thank you.”
Them: “What if we gave you a pot of cheese and a little poker and called it fondue?”
Me: “I’m in.”
Seriously though: Facebook is a wasteland, Twitter in turmoil, Instagram has collapsed trying to be TikTok, and TikTok isn’t a social network. If you wanted to start a social network, this would be the best time in 10 years to try that.
[After my death]
WIFE: Please! Just give me a sign it’s my husband
*the ouija board literally does nothing of any significance*
WIFE [tearing up] omg it’s him!!
I hate to get all political but unity begins with universal cell phone chargers
Not much, just measuring things in cups to annoy Europeans, what about you?
the whole world: we might not recover from the covid era for another 2 to 3 years these are truly dark times
marketing people:
The most dangerous types of canoes are volcanoes.
I don’t need feimsm i like my men to be REAL MEN! the worst day of my life was when i realised i had mistakenly married a big bag of oranges
Cucumbers Anonymous
How excited are you, on a scale from 1 to white woman who just found out that this dinner party has sangria?
Surgeon: I can barely cut anything with this scalpel
Nurse: [whispering to patient] I’m sorry he’s just not that into you
Whenever my wife gets smug about winning an argument I like to remind her that up until a year ago she thought narwhals were mythological creatures.
Twitter is like a rocking chair.
It gives you something to do
and takes you nowhere
At a business meeting:
“How about SuperCupid?”
“No, expectations will be too high”
“GreatCupid?”
“Lower”
“Uhhh, OKCupid?”
“Brilliant”
Yeah but neither are the yachts soooooo 🤷♀️
cold water immersion sounds cool but i’m doing this other thing called warm bed immersion
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
At some point you’ll think you have this parenting thing figured out. Then your child will ask you to take the cheese off of their macaroni.
i actually laughed 😩
This is the tale of Callie who started a service to provide fortune telling and hypnotism while driving people around. As time went on her clairvoyance weakened but her suggestive power grew.
She’s…..
Uber Callie fragile mystic expert at hypnosis
DATING TIP: Don’t reply to texts right away or you might look desperate. Just wait. Give it 5, 10, maybe even 15 years. Keep things casual.
ME: What are you in for?
CELLMATE: Money laundering.
ME: *lights a cig and takes a long drag* Always check your pockets before washing your clothes.
I come from a long line of over-achievers, and I’ve put a stop to that nonsense.
he looks like the detective in a TV mystery series who’s been drinking a bit much since his wife died but always gets his man
A new study says vegetarians
die younger than smokers, on average, so don’t smoke your vegetables…