*texts* I need you, babe. Come over now.
[20 minutes later]
Oh hi! *holds out jar* Can you open this?
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9y.o: “Mom, how many eggs can make an omelette?”
Me: “Well,-“
9: “-I mean, if eggs break, can you still use them?”
Me: …
9: Like, if they smashed all over a floor, could you still make them?”
Me: …
9: “Yeah, so…how do you clean eggs off a floor?”
THEM: why are you like this
ME: how much time do you have
*Making friends at the playground*
My 6yo: How old are you?
Other kid: I’m 13. What about you?
6yo: Oh I’m almost 13 – I’m 6.
My 4yo: *casually* I’m 15.
man: hello I want a drugs
dealer: are you the cops?
man: [puts on sunglassss] I am not cop
dealer: are you sure!
man: [puts on more sunglasses] I am not cop
dealer: here are four drugs
man: [puts on cop sunglasses] I am cop
When walking on the beach with someone, I like to pretend that I’m the ocean’s lawyer. “Sorry, I have to take this,” I say holding a seashell to my ear. “It’s my best client.”
Get married so you can spend the rest of your life closing kitchen drawers and cabinets.
That moment when you hear a weird noise in the house and you’re so lazy you think “Meh, whatever. I had a good run.”
MTV giving awards for music is the same as Fox News giving an award for unbiased journalism.
[first date]
her: do u like dogs or cats better
me: [reading menu] what page are u on
[me, to my brother] I can’t believe we’ve never been to Coachella
[my Ukrainian grandfather] when I your age, bear eat my wife
Google assistant rules
Every parent becomes an Olympic sprinter when they see their toddler standing in front of a wall with a Sharpie
“I hate seeing you like this,” she thought every time she encountered anyone over the course of the day.
Me: how many bears do you think we could fight as a family
Wife: none you idiot
Me: oh
*growling from closet*
Wife: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE??
This gonna be me in 2 weeks
the last thing a carrot sees
me and my coworkers logging into all of our meetings remotely for the next couple of weeks
Terribly Tuesday.
Is ChatGPT my father in law because it keeps making stuff up and passing it as fact
Marriage counsellor: What’s the problem?
Wife: He is so literal. It drives me mad.
MC: And how do you feel, Stephen?
Me: With my hands.
Age is just a number….that now takes a really long time to scroll to.
I spent the last twenty minutes telling my wife about plot holes that I’ve found in the frozen film franchise. So I guess this is who I am now.
2020: Soooo, you’re feeling pretty good today, huh? Enjoying some down time?
Me: Yeeeaaahhh….why?
2020: How’s your back?
Me: Damn it!
2020: *teehee*
When you have to marry your mother-in-law
‘A 12 year old invented an app….No pressure though.’
(Me to my kids)
me: I just hate delivering bad news over the phone
firefighter: *staring at burned down building* ok but you still should’ve
Actually Frankenstein was the name of the scientist. I, the person correcting you on this trivial point, am the monster.
Hey girl, are you the week-old leftover Chinese food I ate for lunch because you are not agreeing with me.
I saw my shadow today. You won’t see that on the evening news because I’m not a stupid fuzzy animal