boss: david, you’re fired
me: *just got a haircut* is that alllllll you have to say to me 馃檪
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Me: *doesn鈥檛 laugh at friend鈥檚 story*
Friend: I guess you had to be there.
Me: *builds time machine, goes there* Nope, still not funny.
Going to keep letting animals bite me until I get super powers.
7:02 pm: I’ll probably have 1 or 2 beers
2:43am: [emailing the former CEO of radio shack] WHY THE FUCJ WERE U SELLING VCRS IN 2014
There’s a book called “Why Women have sex” by Cindy Meston. The author also wrote”Why Men have sex” but I’m guessing thats just a pamphlet.
Now kids have it easy. When I was young, the hot singles in my area had to walk the streets yelling they wanted sex with me thru a megaphone
If I were Spock, I would spend 24 hours a day saying things like “get out of my Vulcan face” and “are you Vulcan kidding me?”
who else gets a little disappointed when the emergency broadcast test isn’t an actual emergency? it鈥檚 like, hurry up already aliens
I backed my car away from the intersection so a jogger could run by and they waved at me THREE times.
In my head, we are now married and have two children, Charles and Ariel.
Becoming a man doesn’t happen the first time you fight or make love. It happens the first time you see the gas bill and remind everyone that we aren’t trying to heat the outside.
Nothing will convince you to never have kids quite like having one.
They say money can’t buy happiness, but could someone just give me a lot of it and let me see for myself.
HER: I work for the Red Cross.
ME: *leaning in* That’s a huge plus.
Tim Cook: “We’re excited to annou-”
#Apple fans: “We’ll buy it.”
Tim Cook: “Let me fini-”
Apple fans: “We’ll buy that too.”
#iPhone6
My imaginary girlfriend rolled in at 2:30 this morning, so things are a little tense over here.
YOU, OBLIVIOUS TO CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies*
ME, OBSESSED WITH CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies more meaningfully*
YUCKING OTHER PEOPLE鈥橲 YUM IS VERY UNBECOMING
Exercise good judgement? I don鈥檛 think so, I don鈥檛 exercise anything.
There’s aggressive driving and then there’s a parent who is late for a school drop off driving.
Tried to steal some candy from a baby.
I got hit in the face with a rattle and then it puked on me
They lied about how easy that was.
me: hey can I read that recipe
internet: here’s a video of how to make it
me: can I just read it
internet: WATCH THE VIDEO
I think it’s time for the hard stuff *pulls Werther’s Original out of pocket*
My child is as cold as ice I wonder where they get that from
School crossing signs are bullshit, i’ve literally never seen a kid walking 20 mph
Apparently, changing your profile to “Flirty, dirty and a little squirty” gets you kicked out of Christian Mingle.
My wife handed me a paring
knife to slice some peaches.Apparently we don鈥檛 have
a peaching knife.
Me, excited: Are we gonna go in the Mosh Pet!
-You mean the mosh PIT, right?
Me, sad: *Furtively puts my dog grooming kit away*
How to make a woman scream in the bedroom: marry her and leave your clothes on the floor.
If you get a new job before you quit your old one, it’s considered responsible.
But if you do that with your gf, it’s called “cheating.”
The male mayfly, living for just 1 day, has only 12 hours to become successful enough to buy a sports car, get hair plugs, and start sleeping with his secretary.
Gotta love those girls in department stores wearing lab coats–taking time away from their experiments to help women out with their makeup.