April is alcohol awareness month…..I think we’re all aware.
Cheers!
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If you see me jogging, please kill whatever the hell is chasing me.
Everyone is just looking for that special someone who could do way better but chooses not to for some inexplicable reason.
Waterboarding at Guantanamo Bay sounds super fun if you don’t know what either of those things are.
today i imagined a fleetwood mac cover band called meatwood flack and then made my brain apologize
Husband: Can these gel packs go in the microwave?
Me: Absolutely.
*gel pack explodes*
Me: Why would you listen to me? I can’t put my pants on without falling over.
Dual Citizenship: citizenship of two countries concurrently.
Duel Citizenship: a contest for citizenship between two people with deadly weapons.
Hey!! pssst! Guys who wear camo to bars: There is a reason you’re not getting laid…it’s because the women can’t see you..
I read that the smarter a woman is, the harder it is for her to find a man.
MENSA should be calling me any minute, apparently.
[first day as a snake charmer]
me: ayy wussup king damn what that tongue do long boi lmao u got room in that wicker basket for two or what
cobra: *striking me several times about the face, neck, and chest*
4yo: Mommy? Mommy? Mommy? MOMMY? MOMMY? MOMMY?
Me, a Dad: Yeah???
4: …
4: MOMMY!!!
Him: [handing me $20] here’s your Christmas present
Me: thanks [handing it back] here’s yours
It never gets old to hear someone say “Oh no” when I say I’m calling from the health department
Offered my barber $50 for the cape thingy he puts over me. I’ll never eat an office hotdog loaded with mustard in fear again.
Southern women don’t outright fight. We passive aggressively drive one another into the ground with compliments and trying to make the better fried chicken.
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
*overheard from the other room
8yo: Can I have an ice cream sandwich?
Grandma: Did you finish your dinner?
8yo: No
Grandma: Just one then
the pandemic has hit the spaghetti labor market especially hard
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m extremely flexible
professor x: [looks at watch] oh shit i have another meeting, can we reschedule?
me: no problem
Is the stick figure with the halo on the back of the minivan the dead kid or the really good one? I’m too scared to ask.
Kids got me a t-shirt 2 sizes too small and made me a big breakfast this morning. So yes I now know what it’s like to take off a sports bra
*I see my life flash before my eyes
*it pauses to buffer
Over the last few months I’ve collected enough wine corks to raise the Titanic
* feels winds of change
* realizes it’s just a hole in my shorts
I just tried to make coffee with my air fryer, so TGIF
dating a tall girl is cool until you make her mad at a picnic and she steps to the other side of the river
*sees cute doctor in scrubs*
*falls over* HELP! I need mouth-to-mouth!Doc: …
Me: Aren’t you obligated to help?Husband: GET UP!
When I tell people I used to have a time machine a lot of them ask why I didn’t kill Hitler and I explain that my time machine broke shortly after I murdered Smithsen and when they ask who Smithsen was I always say “you’re welcome”
boss: you’re late
me: I broke down on the way here
boss: did they tow your car?
me: car?
Wife: The kids made you these cakes for Father’s Day! What do you think of them?
Me: They’re awful. But at least they made me these cakes