Kids, 364 days a year:
“I can’t find my shoes!”
“I can’t find my jacket!”
“I can’t find my homework!”
“I can’t find my water bottle!”
“I can’t find my library book!”Kids, Easter Sunday:
Can find a tiny egg camouflaged
in the grass a quarter mile away.
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Me: “I’d like to pay by card.”
Waiter: “Contactless?”
Me: “No, you can cuddle me.”
Who called it a “Monk that can dunk” instead of an “Air Friar?”
Obama: Hello Amer-
*feels a tug on his suit coat*
What Joe??
Biden: What color should the lion be?
Yellow.
Biden: I’m using green. *giggles*
My wife completely ignores me when she watches Grey’s Anatomy……so I ordered the first 5 seasons.
I bet they all call me paranoid behind my back?!
2024 is starting to feel like it needs to be left outside until we see if it can act right.
As Ross and Rachel loaded their rifles, Joey prepped the van, and Phoebe hacked the camera feed, the embassy doors EXPLODED inward.
“When I hired you, I expected subtlety!” screamed Monica.
“Hey,” Chandler shrugged, tossing his cigarette. “Bought a Bing, bought a boom.”
Not having a sex life has saved me a lot of money on razors.
everybody’s a toughguy until they have to use a screwdriver overhead for two minutes
Her: What’d you just eat?
Me: Leftover porkchop.
Her: Ok but what’s that sauce?
Me: The sauce that you made to go with the pork chops.
Her: That’s not the sauce… I don’t know what you found in the fridge…WebMd: You’re gonna die.
First they came for the people who loaded the dishwasher incorrectly & I did not speak out.
Because they do my head in.
Sometimes I put a vase of flowers outside to let other flowers know that if they try to be prettier than me, I’ll cut their legs off too.
*reading a children’s book*
That’s preposterous. A duck can’t perform brain surgery. They would quack under the pressure.
Telling my kids this is why dinosaurs went extinct
Coffee so hot you pretend not to notice it when you’re out with your wife.
*walks into gym, tags my location on Facebook, leaves*
the three bears:
Goldilocks: your house is a total disgrace it’s like you gave no consideration to what I, the trespasser, might like
It’s not truly a junk drawer until you have a bag of rubber bands, keys that fit no lock in your house, instructions for things you no longer own, a half-used tube of super glue, pens with questionable utility, and at least five likely dead AA batteries.
Handing out one tic tac each this Halloween so that children can learn that life is full of little disapointments
IT’S-A ME,
Never sell a golf club on Facebook to someone from East Kilbride!
90% of parenting is making up rules. 10% is trying to remember them.
[runs inside of a gas station]
“I NEED TO USE YOUR BATHROOM! IT’S AN EMERGENCY!”
*takes a selfie in the bathroom mirror for an IG # game
Doggy day care is like a regular day care except you have to enter from the rear.
Fact: Bernie Sanders won’t release his birth certificate because it proves that when he was born he was already a 74-year-old man
People who live in glass houses should install frosted glass around the toilet part.
GAME TRAILER: “Enter a world beyond belief…”
ME: “Yes”
GAME TRAILER: “An adventure like never before…”
ME: “YES”
GAME TRAILER: “Join your friends online”
ME: “I’m out”
We got in the car, and my husband said we’re gonna do a quick stop at Costco. I didn’t even do my hair! If you’re gonna take me on a date, please tell me first. I’m so mad rn. Smh I’m gonna be eating my churro looking like I belong at Walmart.
I’m scared of Botox and plastic surgery so my plan for turning 40 is Snapchat filters.
“I’m so tired of being poor and unemployed,” says the TV show character who wears a new designer outfit in every scene