this tweet changed my entire outlook on life
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Congratulations parents! You made it through the Terrible Twos! Your child is now three!
You’re gonna want to be sitting down for what I’m about to tell you…
[David Attenborough narrating my life]
Once again the young offspring attempts to leave the nest. Once again he has flown into a wall
Tried to change the song playing on my daughters computer.
She said to me: ‘I’m going to put parental controls on it.’
Guy Fieri is the live action version of the cartoon version of himself.
He’s making a list, he’s checking it twice, he’s leaving the store, he still forgot milk
Me: I missed you
Sharon: Awww, that’s sweet
Me: Don’t duck this time (throws another hammer)
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking…
fiat earther: nasa are lying to us, all of the pictures of the earth are fake
me: ok but even if that were true, why would it make the earth flat?
fiat earther: it isn’t, it’s shaped like an Italian car, didn’t you read my name?
[runs to the door to greet wife]
I’m afraid there’s been a terrible accident involving all the things you asked me to do today.
My Uncle is either a good taxidermist or a bad vet.
(20s) ew this bar is full of old people let’s get out of here.
(50s) ew this bar is full of young people let’s get out of here.
Ambivalence is me knowing that I gotta fit into this bridesmaid’s dress but also that these ice cream flavors mix really well together.
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
I was indifferent to Top Gun: Maverick, but I’m seeing so much good buzz about it that right now I’m going to drop everything and totally watch it on basic cable in a couple of years.
I can’t. I’m busy tonight. I have to do laundry and block everyone who takes their engagement photos in a barn.
When I see a guy sleeping on an unfolded cardboard box, I never know if he’s homeless or just tired from breakdancing.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot kill, the courage to blow up the things I can, and the wisdom to not get caught.
Brought flowers home to wife.
Her: “I suppose I need to spread my legs now?”
Me: “Don’t we have a vase?”
imagime if introverts were as aggresive to extroverts as extroverts r to introverts
“why do u hav to socialize”
“why dont u stay in”
“loser”
I hate it when I’m eavesdropping and people aren’t talking loud enough.
Her: Dude all your selfies look the same.
Me: That’s because it’s me in all of them.
I came across 3 snakes while mowing the yard today, but those of you in North America already know that because you heard me scream
[first date]
Her: I love cats
Me: (trying to impress) *pushes her plate off the table*
Meanwhile, at the White House… #matwh
It’s cute how people just rudely walk in front of my car like they don’t realize I’ll hit them and blame it on being an Asian driver.
I believe extraterrestrials arrived on Earth via flying lavatories. I believe in scientoiletgy, my friends.
Friend: I can’t sleep.
Me: Have you tried putting your phone down?
Friend: Then how will I complain that I can’t sleep?
My favorite part of the Passover story is when Moses challenges Pharaoh to a non violent debate and then frees the Jews by defeating him in the marketplace of ideas.
I’m going to try and be less of a people pleaser, is everyone ok with that?