cop: “you’re drunk, get out of the car.”
judas: “bbut I’ve bbeen on tthe water all night.”
–
[jesus whistles innocently]
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Friend: Your makeup looks nice.
Me: Thanks. I went to a wedding last weekend.
What did u do last night?
Me: I drowned my swallows in whiskey
Don’t u mean sorrows?
Me [covering tub of dead birds]: is that the saying?
Kids will talk literally all day and then go mute when you try to introduce them to someone.
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
“I got you this for Valentine’s Day.”
[she opens the box and reveals several People magazines inside]
“I think we should see other people.”
“IT WAS NEVER SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE THIS!!!” I yell at the guy next to me at the red light while tweezing stray hairs from my chin.
Life hack: If you throw an old toilet and some spare tires in your front lawn, legally you don’t have to mow it
if real babies started to emerge from cabbage patches I don’t believe we’d be so eager to adopt them
cause that’s creepy AF
I don’t normally cook. How much vodka do you add to the mashed potatoes?
If you’re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.
Unless you’re going to tell me there’s a sniper target on me, I can wait for you to finish chewing to hear what you have to say. Thanks.
BEAR JESUS: *Emerges from cave after 3 days*
EVERYONE ELSE: This… this is not as impressive.
cooks vegan zuchinni alfredo for dinner (evolved). follows it up with fistfuls of shaved parm straight out of the tub (caveman brain)
My 5 year old said he’s not going to say a word until the bread pops up from the toaster so I unplugged it.
It’s not just sex, I’d love to get to know you better. For example, tell me how you’d like to go home, bus or taxi?
me: what’s your sign
chef: spisces
License and registration please.
“Bears.”
Excuse me?
“Beaaaaars.”
Are you drunk sir?
“BEAAAARS!”
Stop saying bea-
*cop is mauled by bears*
Alarm clock set for 6:00 am
Bladder set for 5:54 am
A fun way to “Break up” is to tell them to “Go long” and then never throw them the football.
Her: You’re a pathological liar!
Me: …and the King of Spain.
if you become a ghost, don’t limit yourself to haunting houses. be the first to haunt a jellyfish exhibit! make a tulip your home and startle a bee. haunt a ball of yarn, get knit into a sweater. remember: it’s your soul that’s eternally damned, NOT your sense of style
I always draw track marks on my arms and cough a lot when visiting family so that no one asks me to hold their baby or help prepare food.
I made popcorn.
Teen smelled popcorn.
I no longer have popcorn.
My husband was telling a long, boring story and my 10 year old interrupted with, “Surprising. But you know what’s not surprising? How much money Matt saved by switching to Geico.”
Anyway, I’m in trouble for laughing too hard.
*movie voice*in a world of untold despair one woman will alter fate by staring at a wall
saying “james?” to my mom when i open her car door so people think it’s an uber
[getting an x-ray]
TECHNICIAN: Quit putting that box of chocolates on your chest.
ME: Just tell me which ones are coconut.
me: what is it boy?
my stomach: brrrggfkppr
me: you need food? vitamins and minerals? protein? fiber?
my stomach: hrrrbbb
me: would you settle for 89 potato chips?