> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
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You know what this healthy salad needs? Stale bread
– the inventor of croutons
I would never join a gang, because I am vehemently against group projects.
I’ve not been into the office since March, but I can still smell the boiled eggs my coworker ate at lunch on that last day.
HER: What does cyanide taste like?
ME: No clue. Why?
HER: No reason. Here, I made you some tea.
My dog is coming home from surgery today and I hope he did ok. He can’t afford another malpractice suit.
*swallows pride*
*gets aggressively escorted from the zoo*
Emotional awareness simply means recognizing, respecting, and accepting your feelings as they happen.
📸: @livinglyfree
#emotion #positivemindset #PositiveVibes #selfcare #selfcare
Murder hornets don’t sting as bad as accidentally opening the front camera.
SON: can I yell bomb at the airport
DAD: no
SON: I can yell boom
DAD: boom’s ok
SON: how about “my mom’s a lesbian now”
DAD: please don’t
Yes, I’m a slob, but I’m a sanitary slob. Underneath all the clutter it’s actually clean.
The movie “Failure To Launch” but it’s a North Korean documentary
For sale: Shrimpless rice. Never fried.
Me neighbor and I just exchanged nods acknowledging we’re both wearing the same outfit as yesterday.
-So YOU’RE the mother of this girl called..(checks notes) ..Riding Hood?
-Yes! Something happened to my beloved ch..
– Are you kidding me? You’re under arrest
It’s not karma, you’re just an idiot.
email: CC
my brain: corn cob
My 3yo and 4yo are screaming at each other about privacy. Isn’t it ironic?
I just saw some idiot at the gym put his water bottle in the Pringle holder on the treadmill.
Cop: Anything you say can and will be held against you.
Me: SCARLETT JOHANSSON
Can’t believe my ‘Eat everything you want and hope for a miracle” diet is not working!
I’m so poor I can only afford Middle Ramen.
I’ll totally stroke your ego while you’re replacing my windshield wipers for me ’cause I’m nice like that
My kids made a mess this morning pretending to be leprechauns. They don’t know it yet, but after school they get to pretend to be janitors.
If you ever see someone drinking straight from a flask in a mall food court… I wouldn’t make eye contact.
How I know this is unimportant.
Inventor of raisins: “What do you like about grapes”
me: the juice part, the freshness
Inventor: right but what if they had neither
12 yr. old daughter: My friend Samantha said she thinks you’re handsome.
Me: Aww. That’s cute. How about her mom? Has she said anything?
Why use words you don’t understand in your tweets? It just makes you look photosynthesis.
Not sure why iPhoto doesn’t have a “that’s my ex, please stop” button
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.