Disappointed a milkshake is just called a milkshake in the UK. I would’ve guessed it was something real perverted like a curd sweetie or lovie cream
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A recipe book of “traditional English meals” called ‘we’re getting the bland back together’
cop: we’re investigating the disappearance of your neighbor
me: i don’t know where dave is
cop: how did you know it was dave
[ups guy walks up] got an order for a human sized hamster wheel
I’m just gonna go ahead and change my boys names to “Stop making that stupid noise” and “Where are your shoes?”.
“This is the fourth lot of bacon to go missing this week. It can only mean one thing.”
“What’s that Sarge?”
“Someone’s building a pig.”
You said clothes were 50% off
But not one woman in here is topless
That false advertising!
“How many people have you slept with?”
– Someone who wants to hear a lie
CAT: Hey, sorry about puking on your pillow
SCHRÖDINGER {busy}: Yeah, whatever
CAT: So uh…what’s the box for?
Serial killers start their day by eating breakfast at McDonalds. Let me rephrase. They arent serial killers until they order & have to wait.
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok I’ll take one
[later]
duck: quick
me: I see
got my mind on my money and my money
is nowhere to be found.
One bowl of cereal: snack
Two bowls of cereal: meal
Three bowls of cereal: Stop flashing your obvious wealth, Tristan
This took me a second..
Why isn’t Missouri’s state motto “Missouri loves company” ???
[harry potter at work]
Colleague: when you were in school you killed a giant snake thing, right?
Harry: a basilisk, yes
Colleague: can’t even edit a google doc though, yikes *sips coffee*
me: do dragons eat treasure? why do they want it
google: we’re doing this again?
If you run out of milk for your coffee just use cheese. Dairy is dairy. Stop making me solve all of your problems
I don’t need anyone to motivate me to say what I think, I need someone to remind me to shut up.
4 pm:
5 pm:
6 pm:
7 pm:
8 pm:
9 pm:
9:59 pm:12 year old: I need some glitter, crayons and posterboard for school tomorrow
. No Shoes
No Shirt
No Problem
Welcome To Walmart.
Cop: seen anything unusual?
Me: a dolphin with a hat once
Cop: I mean around here
Me: nah they live in water
If you eat a pot brownie and a Ken doll, you’ll poop a Matthew McConaughey.
I wish I had the confidence of my 10 yr old who told me I was “driving all wrong” seconds after she asked for help getting gum out of her hair
My daughter helped make dinner and decided to cook the entire box of spaghetti so if any of you gets hungry in like the next month and half hit us up
Daughter: Mommy, what’s that thing in your drawer that goes buzz buzz?
Me:
Daughter:
Me:
Daughter:
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM!
[being beat down with health, family, work issues]
Me: I will remain positive at all times
[my bagel sandwich falls on the floor]
Me: I am going to fire God
in grade 3 we wrote an essay about “would u rather be a big fish in a smal pond or a smal fish in a big pond” and i wrote “can i be a frog”
Waiter: may I offer you a cocktail?
Me: yes. Molotov, please.
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
ME: *watching a meteor shower
METEOR: Can you get out of my bathroom.
me: [looking at basketball rim] do you think I can still dunk?
wife: give me back the baby