Welcome to parenthood. You now see every movie six years after it came out. Except for Disney movies. You see all of those immediately and on repeat.
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I tried some Dirty Dancing in a neighbour’s herb garden. I had the thyme of my life.
I have two goals today. Breathe (nailing it) and shower (wish me luck).
me: jim it was a joke
sheriff: [crying at his desk] w-what
me: there isnt a new sheriff in town, this is just a starfish i stuck to my shirt
I love Chinese food as much as the next guy, but you’ll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.
Gonna match donations for bail funds up to $100 today. Post your receipts in the comments and I’ll post my match.
A foreign kid asked me how to speak English the other day, so I teached him some.
We have great news. We’re pregnant!
-Awesome! Do u know the sex yet?
Of course we know ‘the sex’. How do u think we got pregnant, silly?
DATING IN YOUR 20’S
“It’s not going to work out I don’t like the way he chews”
DATING IN YOUR 30’S
“It wasn’t even a felony and he was never convicted. Also living at home makes sense bc it allows him to be close to his mom & it’s walking distance to the Pizza Hut he works at”
[firing squad]
Captain: Any last words?
Prisoner: Why, yes. I’d like to speak with you for a moment about gun control.
Wow your rib cage and hip bones look stunning !!!
Said No Man Ever
Hi, it’s me, your housebound friend. Since I have years of experience at this, and you lot seem to be out of ideas already, I will be providing you with daily suggestions of ways in which to entertain yourselves at home. Ready?
March 16th: Teach the cat a conjuring spell.
If there’s one thing children have taught me it’s how to count down from 5 while pretending there’s a huge consequence if I ever reach zero.
The problem with finding people who accept me for who I am is that I question their judgment
You play the cards life deals you. They are Monopoly cards. You are a small pewter dog and you have won second prize in a beauty contest.
WIFE: Shouldn’t you be at work?
ME: I took care of it.
BOSS: [to the cardboard cutout of Shaq with my face glued on it]
Nice work today.
bout dat hot dog summer
I love to give homemade gifts. Which one of my kids do you want?
If you think you’re having a bad day, the lady who took my order in the drive-thru asked me if my order was to go.
I was so depressed dat my ATM displayed someone else’s balance to cheer me up
imagine being a young up-and-coming actor starring opposite a film legend. how do u keep a straight face while doing some weird lines? like you’re in a movie about england and u have to look meryl streep in the eye and say “bollocks, i’m more chuffed than a bloody crumpet innit”
911: what’s your emergency sir
me: I can’t find my butler
911: perhaps he is pretending to be a 911 dispatcher like you asked sir
me: will you pretend to be my butler until he gets back
[house hunting]
Loved that one. Great price & the owner seemed trustworthy
HER: It was next to a sewage plant & he had three eyepatches on
*buys condoms* So I just eat these and it traps the baby?
Plot twist: a Mission Impossible movie where the mission is in fact impossible
“Dollars to donuts” is my most frequent currency conversion.
COWORKER: Walking is better for your knees than running.
ME: Hammocking is better than both.
Been living in Texas for over a decade and have never been invited to a shindig, orgy, hoedown, hootenanny, or anything
[Dinner at Arby’s]
Me: Remember our first date here? Feels like yesterday
Her: It was lunch today. Please take me home
Me: Ahh memories
Establish dominance by dying while you have out of town guests.
Today we break bread and give thanks. Tomorrow I will throat-punch you at Wal Mart.