[Dinner at Arby’s]
Me: Remember our first date here? Feels like yesterday
Her: It was lunch today. Please take me home
Me: Ahh memories
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[spider’s junk email folder]
-TURN YOUR WEBS INTO $$$$
-HOT SPIDERS ON YOUR CEILING WANT TO MEET YOU
-TRY THE ULTIMATE 8 LEG DIET TODAY
Nothing takes longer than the Amazon truck, that is 4 stops away
I practice safe drinking by uninstalling the Amazon App from my phone before I start
Me: *nude in class* This is all just a dream
Professor: That’s him, officers
You can describe my personality as being confidently wrong all the time.
If you are the kind of person who would respond to Panera keeping the music up loud enough to dissuade people from making calls by just shouting over it for an hour on a conference call, I saw you today!
I finally got around to washing my hair and then of course, I ended up putting way too much hair product on and it looks just as greasy as before. I鈥檓 like, really, Charlotte, you had ONE job, girl!
gonna make a dog training school and call it harvard so people who went to harvard always have to say “no the one for people”
so my mum bought a lamb for 拢20 so it doesn鈥檛 get killed tomorrow and is planning to keep her in the garden with the dogs???? Honestly wish I could say I鈥檓 surprised but it鈥檚 very her
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze.
ME: I’ll have an Irish Coffee
BARTENDER: Sure thing *drops a potato into a regular coffee*
The Mrs recognizes my “tell” when I’ve seen an attractive woman: my eyes pop 4 inches out of their sockets and I make a loud “A-OOGA” noise.
A swear jar, but you take out a piece of paper and yell whatever鈥檚 written on it.
Let this be a lesson to everyone: If you love someone, set them free to get married and then divorced and then have a series of mid life crisis relationships and get an embarrassing back tattoo and if they come back it was meant to be
[at doctor]
can u cough for me please?
*coughs*
again please
*coughs*
i see i see. i’m afraid you have a cough
Jesus was the only man to return from the dead and not eat brains.
Buddhist Monk sees kid in Nirvana t-shirt:
“You like Nirvana? What’s your favorite step on the 8-fold Path?”
Kid: Nevermind
“Yeah, me, too.”
Look, just because Jeff Bezos looks like Lex Luthor & acts like Lex Luthor, doesn’t…uh oh.
GENIE: 3 wishes. But no extra wishes & no sex stuff
Me: why not?
GENIE: I make the rules
ME: I wish I made the rules
GENIE: …dammit
Do NOT do this 馃檮馃檮
[zombie apocalypse]
GUY: It鈥檚 not safe here let鈥檚 head north.
ME: No, let鈥檚 go down to the sewers.
GUY: What鈥檚 in the sewers?
ME: [thinking about ninja turtles] Protection.
Ferrari squats
Where do surfers learn to surf?
At boarding school.
Wife: Why did you have to cook all of it at once? Not only do we now have to eat 5 pounds of the stuff for breakfast but the whole house smells like bacon!
Me: I鈥檓 failing to see what part of this is upsetting
[When Harry Met Sally, 1989]
HARRY: Hey
SALLY: Sup
*roll credits*
White Walkers need coffee too #WinterIsHere
me: I call shotgun
shotgun: sorry, I can鈥檛 come to the phone right now, please speak after the beep
Not sure if I washed the spider down the drain in my shower or if he took one look at me naked and then leapt willingly to his death.
A lot of people are mad that I broke into the zoo and dyed all the bears white. It’s polarizing.
I love to watch the look of panic on my husband’s face when I pull a pair of panties out of my drawer and say, “um, these aren’t mine.”