End a boring conversation by opening an umbrella in their face
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*Giant boulder slowly crushes several hundred cats*
Guy who’s about to invent the bagpipes: Hey, this gives me an idea!
I get mortgage-related spam multiple times a day. It reaches me by text, phone, email, postage, and even social media. I’m absolutely sick of them not giving homing pigeons a chance.
Girl, yo grammatical atrocities so huge, you need typosuction.
Since we don’t get one single trick or treater in my neighborhood, I’ll just get 5 large bags of candy.
I’ll pick my dog’s poop up with my bare hands and put it in my pocket to end any chit-chat other dog walkers try to have with me in the morning.
I’m so happy that I got rid of my $250 cable so I can spend $500 on streaming services.
I just got a text saying they lost my cell number & could I send it. This is the level of stupid I deal with.
At some point, every cult leader says, “Okay, I talked to god and he wants me to have sex with your wives.” Every single one.
As I exposed my glorious chest hairs & catapulted toward the Velcro wall, I realized that I had no exit strategy.
Never marry a girl whose mother’s name is Hope…. because ‘Hope’ never dies.
🤣🤣🤣
Ever hate someone so much you decide to start eating healthy just so you can watch them die first?
I’ve reached the age where that spot on my arm could either be a questionable mole or dried nacho cheese.
Funny how I used to see human features in things like electrical sockets, or clouds, or my ex.
Thank you for showing me your Facebook wedding album. Now if you have time, here is a slideshow of my top 36 scores in Mario Kart
Me: *trying to hock a loogie*
Pawn shop owner: I’m not giving you any money for that.
Somehow I managed to lock myself out of my laundry room. I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
Never play poker at the zoo. Too many cheetahs.
My husband cooked dinner for my daughter and me, or as he so eloquently put it, “Makin’ dishes for my bishes.”
Flat Earth is a conspiracy invented by Big Aluminum to sell more foil.
Spider 1: hey man, your fly’s down
Spider 2: yeah, the little fella’s been like that since I ate his brother
just ONCE i’d like to casually enjoy a milkshake in my yard without being absolutely INUNDATED with boys
“Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” – crickets (translated)
Ants can lift 20 times their bodyweight which is really helpful if you ever need help moving a single blade of grass.
“GUYS! GET UP! THE HOME INVASION ALARM IS GOING OFF AGAIN!”
~My dog when the doorbell rings
My new SUV has a button that says
“Rear Wiper”.
I’m afraid to push it.
So the fight looks like it’s not going to happen and now I’m stuck with 15 boxes of ‘Zuck Around And Find Out’ t-shirts in my garage ffs.
Let’s give a big round of applause to everyone on Facebook who went to the gym today even though they “hate it”!! They are the real heroes.
My toddler is throwing a tantrum because I changed the pictures in my bathroom…a year ago
My 6 year old doesn’t like it when I take her out on her scooter, but to be honest she shouldn’t stand in my way when I ride it