“Dad why was I called Holly?”
cos u were born at a special time of year
“And me dad?”
yes Summer and u too
“And me too dad?”
yes Easter-Egg
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[On phone to police]
Has there been a report of a pervert in the park?P: No, there hasn’t.
Me: oh good.
[Goes back to hiding in bushes]
Mary brought in donuts.
Jim took the only Boston Cream.
Jim knows those are my favorites.
I slipped a laxative into Jim’s coffee.
I pulled the fire alarm.
We are on the 39th floor.
Jim should learn to be more considerate.
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
Every time the grocery baggers ask if I want help to my car, I feel like telling them yes and climbing in the cart.
Whoever keeps replacing soccer balls with cats is my personal hero
The reason I don’t use Uber is any one of you could be a driver.
I keep rearranging my home office just to throw off everyone on the work video calls.
My husband got some virtual reality goggles for christmas and so far I like them because they make him very vulnerable to attack.
When I see a piece of gum in the urinal, I think of how painful that piss must’ve been for that guy.
ME: *playing the piano*
WIFE: You’re a regular Van Gogh
ME: Why thank you, honey
{three days later}
ME: Wait a second
Victoria’s Secret supermodels aren’t as impressive if you add shopping bags
*stands over dads casket*
“Mom isn’t doing well, dad.”
*puts hand on dad’s shoulder*
“You need to stop building caskets. It’s creepy.”
M: that’s
O: not
R: how
O: acronyms
N: work
Life hack:
Use a pot lid as a shield when cooking bacon with no pants on.
People with stick figure families on their car: Oh look how cute we are!
Criminals: I’ll need 3 rolls of duct tape.
*stands on scale at doctor’s office*
*takes off coat*
*empties pockets*
*shaves eyebrows*
Sorry I missed your call 7 months ago. Is everything okay?
Whoever invented crustless pot pie clearly didn’t know why people eat pot pie.
I forgot how to panic. Help
Some BUNNY once told me the world was gonna roll me.
— an Easter egg
Christ! How many beers did I have last night?!
Cop: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: Sorry, no, I fell asleep. Did I win?
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
“You’ve got this,” I say to myself every time I look up something on WebMD.
Nirvana, according to most Buddhists I’ve spoken to, is quite literally the best alternative rock band to have ever existed.
[Inside Trojan Horse]
OTHER GREEKS: *fearful/anxious silence*
ME: This is my first sleepover
doctor: I’m going to take out your appendix
me: oh okay *shouts at my belly* YOU HAVE A SUITOR
I haven’t worn a trench coat since a random man in his 60s said to me “what are you looking for detective” 😭😭
Responding to a question from your wife with interpretive dance tends to raise more questions than it answers.
I started planking. Well, I laid on my stomach and it was so nice I didn’t want to ruin it with exercise.