the bots have become self-efficient faster than we imagined
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My husband & I have a secret signal we use when it’s time to leave a party. I pull an air horn out of my purse and blast it.
CUSTOMER: [handing me a 20] can I have two 5’s and a 10?
ME: [thinking of the girl who wrote ‘never change’ in my high school yearbook] no
I wouldn’t walk 500 miles and then walk 500 more for anyone. I’d drive across town though maybe.
If I unfollow you, it’s because of the new follow button or because I don’t like you. Either way I am blaming the new button.
Ain’t gonna lie. Growing up, I thought Bermuda triangle is gonna be a bigger problem than it turned out to be.
The wife: I’m running away
Me: no you’re not
The wife: give me one good reason
Me: you hate running
CHARLIE BROWN: happy holidays!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wampwahwahwah
CHARLIE BROWN: it’s not a war on Christmas, it’s just respecting people who celebrate other holidays
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wahwahwampwah
CHARLIE BROWN: no, Jesus wasn’t white
[on phone]
ME: Babe what’s the wifi password?
HER: We broke up. I told you last night
ME: We broke up, got it. Any upper case or spaces?
2025
-All children are named Logan
-The most recent president is a ferret who came in 2nd on the Amazing Race.
-Betty White is still alive
What genius called it road rage and not locomotive?
If Jesus died for our sins then why are there so many popups when i try to watch a movie online illegally
Nothing makes me get up faster than my 6yo walking by me with a bottle of Elmer’s glue.
S/o to @funTweeters .
95% of American office workers are watching the World Cup right now.
Overall productivity level remains steady.
“2:00! Are you ready for the movie?!?” my son asked. I was not, I told him, not even close. His mom had taught him to tell time. He had taught himself to set the alarm on his watch. But it would be up me to teach him the critical difference between AM and PM.
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: make math go away
GENIE: ha ok that one’s on the house
ME: oh so I still get three wishes?
GENIE: huh?
‘New year new me’ I whisper as I polish off a brick of cheese and pray that this year I’m not still lactose intolerant.
HER: I’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME:
HER:
ME: did the dog put you up to this
Sometimes a joke is a great way to break tension during an unpleasant situation, and lately, I’ve also been discovering all the other times when it absolutely is not.
wife & I just overheard the kids talking about how they’ll decorate the house after we die, so I guess we’re sleeping in shifts from now on
Sending a letter to Netflix informing them that I’m currently unemployed and the “are you still watching?” question is 100% not necessary.
if you are a fly, please ignore this tweet
Some of y’all never had to risk it all for a LimeWire download and it shows
*alien probing me
Me: Ok a little to the left
Alien: I SAID STOP THAT
[prison]
PRISONER: what’s for breakfast
GUARD: every meal is bread & water
PRISONER: [is a duck] oh baby
Her: My computer is running so slow!
Me: Really? How many browser tabs do you have open?
Her:
Me: Is it less than 500?
Her: Never mind.
Based on how I startle when toast pops up, I will never look cool walking away from an explosion.
Nothing prepares you for how difficult it is to obtain a loan for a giraffe
I’m a champion of grammar;
A grampion, if you will.