Me: [returning organic fertilizer] I don’t need this shit.
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the problem with the classic robber getup is that it’s such a classic that you can’t really get away with it anymore. you walk into a bank dressed in the mask and stripes with a bag with a dollar sign on it, they already got you. things change i guess but it seems a shame
The older you get the less people you can actually tolerate.
I can tolerate about 5 people right now, 3 are my children and even that’s iffy
*Mother driving me to an appt in the city as I clutch the passenger seat, white knuckled, terrified
Me: You drive like an old lady!
Her: That’s not very nice.
*swerves to avoid oncoming vegetable truck
Me: WE ARE GOING TO DIE
Her: Good thing I’m already an old lady.
“I call it orange soda cause it’s orange and soda”
-My 4yo inventing orange soda
yeah not falling for this one
“A broken clock is right twice a day” isn’t really true anymore because my office microwave says it’s 88:88 o’clock
[First day as pig farmer]
Me: *hosing blood off of the plow* something about this doesn’t feel right
[trial]
Judge: how do you plead?
“not guilty”
J: but you’ve admitted to dropping an anvil on him.
“he asked me to make him a pancake”
“you attract what you fear” ahhhhh a healthy relationship ahhhhh
How to parallel park:
1) Park somewhere else.
I learned a few things in Twitter Jail last night.
1. My wife’s name
2. How to make a shank from a phone charger
3. I need Twitter
Had to Google, “Nice way to say selfish” for a recommendation today.
How do I tell Instagram I don’t want to see guys almost eaten by gators?
“Coffee is disgusting. Why would grown ups drink this stuff?” says my son, who woke up at 5 AM of his own free will and then proceeded to wake me at 5 AM against my own free will.
My 2yo thinks 5 am is a great time to discuss the mysteries of life.
I’m getting targeted ads about chin fat and I’m offended by the relevance.
why would anyone want a baby? it’s just another thing you have to clean
Trying to do deadlifts at the gym, but I can’t figure out where they hide the bodies.
She was rare, like a goth jogging
So maybe downloading the ruler app to measure the snow wasn’t such a great idea
For sale: car. Does not stop. You will have to jump in as I jump out. I have been driving this car for three years. Please help me
Every time I see inside my neighbour’s incredibly pristine garage, I wonder what secret shenanigans he is up to in his basement.
Everyone knows there’s no such thing as a zombie army. The proper name is the Marine Corpse.
We need to put an American base on the sun
“I’m a talking piece of paper. Your eyes are beneath your nose. Nothing’s real here, kid.”
Every day is a whodunit mystery when you have kids.
just saw Netflix went up to $19.99/month and all I gotta say is for the person who’s been letting me use theirs for the past few years…please stay strong 🙏
He was a sperm,
she was an egg
can i make it anymore ovulous
Eight maids a-milking
Seven swans a-swimming
Six geese a-laying
Five onion rings
Four calling birds
Three french hens
Two turtle doves, and
A partridge in a pear tree….Dwayne Johnson: Yup, that’s today’s meal prep done!
When you swallow a spider in your sleep, eat some dead flies the morning after to ensure the spider gives you a positive Trip Advisor rating