The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it 99% of the time until you’re about to die
You Might Also Like
A guy walks into a bear and orders a drink. He didn’t notice my typo. Anyway, he’s dead now.
Website: are you a robot?
Cyborg: *sweating activated*
Dear ghosts,
If you can move stuff around and flicker lights then you can use a mop
I’m not saying one of my kids is “more difficult” than the others, but so far my oldest wants a remote control car for Christmas, the youngest wants a stuffed unicorn, and the middle one has requested a dinosaur egg so he can raise and train his own velociraptor from birth.
Don’t you love it when you’re doing a nude selfie in a leather harness and you accidentally press answer on your mom’s face time?
ME: I thought only old people got that
DOCTOR:
ME:
DOCTOR:
ME: Oh…
The cool thing about being a procrastinator is really bad ideas also don’t ever make it off the ground.
Of course I’ll buy a harmonica for a 3 year old. He doesn’t live with me
I read all men’s tweets in the voice of Homer Simpson. Especially the sex tweets.
Act happy in the supermarket checkout line to contradict the sad story unfolding on the conveyor belt.
I jump out of bushes to give surprise breast exams. I save lives.
The police are on the lookout for me. Probably to give me an award.
Hey, hey…calm down please. Stop crying. I think all babies are ugly, not just yours.
ATTENTION EVERYONE MONEY ORDERS ARE A SCAM THEY EXPECT YOU TO HAVE THE MONEY ALREADY YOU CANNOT ORDER IT
You wanna take this outside bro? You sure bro? It’s awfully chilly bro. Hold on bro, let me grab my scarf.
shampoo bottle: Contains No Parabens!
me (has no idea what that is or means): good.
There were only 7 deadly sins and then you came along.
Showed my 5yo some videos of mimes and explained mimes never speak and now we’re playing mimes don’t ruin this for us.
I get about your body being a temple but… right now I wanna turn mine into a bouncy castle, it sounds more like fun. I’m all about fun.
The horror. The apostrophe’s.
This year, I’ll be haunting my own house to see if I can scare these people away.
Tik Toks be like here’s a money hack:
Commit Fraud
My boss has a rather shrill phone voice. I once spent 20m talking to him, before realizing it was actually someone trying to send us a fax.
@isabelzawtun I work at a pet supply store. One time a customer called to set up a delivery. He wanted a dog toy in his order but didn’t know which one. I had to pick out toys and squeak them into the phone for him until he heard the “right one.”
me: this could have been an email
cop: step out of the car sir
“Damn! If I wasn’t already married, I’d propose to myself,”
I humbly say as I taste test this homemade mac and cheese.
*throws $100 bill into a wishing well* I wish I was good with money
Never debate an idiot. Idiots never know when they’ve lost. That’s one of the reasons they’re idiots.
it was very chilly during our walk today. when i tried to hop in a puddle. i slid across it instead. i am not a penguin. i would like a refund
If you think it hurts to lose a boyfriend/girlfriend, you’ve clearly never lost close to 500 GB’s worth of data on your hard drive.
9yo: My least favorite letter is “c” because it’s not fair that it can be an “s” or “k” sound.
Me:
9yo:
Me: Can I go back to sleep now?