[shaving legs] hang on, these aren’t mine
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Them: Are you the woman who overuses contractions?
Me: I’m.
He just always looks at me like I’ve wronged him
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*replaces battery*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*takes battery back out*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*sacrifices chicken to smoke detector gods*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
Me: DO IT AGAIN AND I WILL SMASH YOU WITH A HAMMER
Smoke Detector:
Me:
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
[Abruptly stops playing my banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME??
ME: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just cramp.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: Ok, tie your other lace and lets do this.
In honor of the striking writers and actors, I won’t post anything good here starting in 2016.
Communists only write in lowercase letters because they hate Capitalism.
“You’re a ten?”
“On the PH scale, Cuz you basic.”
We love walking in the cemetery but it turned into more of a jog after my dog started barking at one of those gravestones with the big kneeling angel on it.
Verizon: congrats you get a free phone if you spend $300 for a charger and $30 for a set up fee and $50 for a phone case and $500 for us to not be rude to you.
nothing more Los Angeles than an earthquake getting jealous of the publicity the hurricane is getting
Lavender is my latest aromatherapy love, but it’ll be awhile before anything makes me forget about rubber cement.
When apologizing, it’s important to not let them see your fingers are crossed. I know that now.
Netflix would be a great dating site. “Here are 20 other singles in your area who have also watched Shameless for 7 straight hours.”
My 3yo explaining pizza delivery:
“You hear the doorbell, then you open the door, then a person is suddenly there, and then they give you a pizza. And then they disappear into the night.”
When you stop looking for it is when you’ll find it.
Happiness, love, that last beer in the back of the fridge.
doctor: you’re going to di-
me: disney?
doctor: no
“How about if I put a balloon over it? Would you touch it then?”
-guy who invented condoms
ME: honey, it’s really muggy out today
WIFE: if I go outside & all our mugs are on the front lawn, I’m leaving u
ME: *sips coffee from bowl*
Nice try, evening news, but there’s nothing as scary as the three times I woke up accidentally pregnant
Someone accused me of spending too much time on the Internet. I don’t know what to say. I am so full of emoticons right now.
I’ll walk into the gym eating a slice of pizza so that everyone can hate me…
Never date an intelligent, incredibly handsome, wealthy man. He’s a violent psychopath that wants to kill you
*things i learned from horrors
A Roman walks into a bar and raises 2 fingers and says to the bartender…
“Five beers, please.”
Guy down the street wanted to borrow a wrench so I asked him adjustable, box or open ended, he said the adjustable one you borrowed six months ago.
me: (singing) it’s the i of the tiger
tger: give it back
Teen girl in mirror “I look like death!”
[Meanwhile in Hell]
Death scoffs & flips his hair “Yeah, as if”
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
My Star Wars lingerie is still in the wash so for tonight’s role-play I’m probably just going to wear a matching undies & bra and rename them Star-Drawers and Bra Bra Jinks