I am hoping the next jump in human evolution removes humanity’s desire to find plot holes in joke tweets.
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Any question can be a rhetorical question if you walk away fast enough.
*Time travels to the Garden of Eden*
Serpent: Eat the forbidden fruit
Me: WAIT
Adam and Eve: *Staring*
Me: You gotta wash it first
A friend wants us to do something tonight and I asked her to name 5 things so I could say no to 4 of them.
Looks like mommy just painted her fingernails… time to take a shit!
-my baby
Apparently yesterday was World Homeopathy Day. Homeopathy is so useless, even its awareness day doesn’t get noticed. Maybe they should try diluting it across several months?
I guess I shouldn’t have had 3 cookies… Now, I’m being judged.
i don’t always carry my groceries on one arm but when i do my keys are in the wrong pocket
Park Ranger: Careful, someone saw a coyote out here earlier
Me: Ok, thanks
-20 minutes later-
*drives into a rock painted like a tunnel
[god creating ants]
Anteater: finally
[before kids]
“Man, I’m going to be such a chill parent”
[3 years in]
“IF YOU DON’T SWALLOW THAT MILK BY THE TIME I COUNT TO THREE…”
Imagine being 5 minutes from the end of the longest movie ever & it starts over because it forgot something. That’s my kid telling a story.
Pet names convey familiarity and endearment. For example, honey pot, baby cakes, Succubus.
Pro tip: when you’re on your way home, don’t answer your phone.
Someone wants you to stop at the store.
*makes graveyard even scarier by carving all the tombstones into shark fins*
It isn’t a successful BBQ until some drunken idiot walks face first into a closed sliding glass door.
I’m fine by the way.
imagine bumping into someone on the street and all the money in ur checking account flies out of ur body and litters the ground disappearing after mere seconds never to return. this is what life is like for sonic the hedgehog every day
Let’s walk and talk.
You go that way.
the group chat when I ask who’s available to play next week
I started to cook breakfast and my 8yo hopped up to me and chirped, “I can make eggs.”
And then she did.
She made perfect scrabbled eggs.
How long has she been trolling me, sitting at the breakfast table pretending that she cannot even pour herself a drink?
I thought the noise my husband’s stomach was making was never going to end last night until I realised it was a motorbike outside
I did not eat the cake…
Prime Day landing on the same day I get my period?
I need a bigger cart
Him: you watch too much Food Network
Me: just enjoy your artisanal bread covered in a delectable berry compote
Him: its toast and jelly
I love how Simba acts upset when Mufasa dies as if he didn’t just do a choreographed musical number called “I Just Can’t Wait To Be King”.
[God creating me]
And then we sprinkle in just a touch of anxiety
[the lid pops off and the whole jar spills in]
[God shrugs] He’ll be fine
I’m not a religious person but I am thankful that God didn’t make spiders that fly.
I’m sorry I put a collar on your baby. I thought it was a Pug.
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t find a good way to drink wine from a lying down position.
My favorite part about the teenage mutant ninja turtles is that they felt the need to wear masks so people would not recognize them at their regular jobs
Me: Okay 2 it’s time for bed
2: NO! Mommy go to bed
Me: Okay*goes to bed