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[Arriving to cult meeting]
Cult leader: Did you bring the sacrifice?
Me, standing in a puddle of water:
Shit…I thought you said sack of ice.
It’s pretty awesome that everyone at Chuck E Cheese knows me by name, even if it is because they banned me from coming back
for $8 a month i should never have to stop at a red light again
Chicago sounds lovely.
When she checks her bank statement and go “what are these PlayStation Network charges”
I don’t go out very much because I’m broke, but oh boy, once I’m rich, I’m gonna have to come up with another excuse.
Just once I’d like to see a hostage negotiator aim higher than pizza
I know I’m not great at math, but I just can’t figure out how to 28 packs of fruit snacks are gone in 2.5 days when the kids say they “barely ate any.”
I had two students lose teeth yesterday and this morning they excitedly told me how much money the tooth fairy left. One got $10, the other $20. I may start pulling my own teeth out soon.
[looking in the mirror and thinking about how I’m created in God’s image] wow God needs to go on a diet.
me: (texting boss) we still on for work today?
boss: yes. you dont have to text me this every morning. we’re “on” for work every day mon-fri
October’s cool because you can buy 60 Snickers, 48 beers, a hockey mask, chainsaw, 30 leaf bags and the cashier won’t even acknowledge it.
Why jurors are not allowed to have cellphones in the courthouse:
Me, taking a selfie in the jury box: feeling cute, might convict someone later.
My cousins baby child keeps pointing at me and saying ‘cat’
doctor: I’ll need you to remove your underpants
me: *taking underpants off my head* fine
Welcome to your 40s, you now respond to every younger person telling you their age with “Jesus Christ”.
Can you imagine getting the girl of dream’s phone number and her first text to you she spells it “defantely”
I made the preteen life form laugh twice today and I just want to know if I can go ahead and retire from parenting because it must all be downhill from here.
Me: “I mean, how can Harry Potter be the best Quidditch Seeker when he’s the only one with glasses?”
Librarian: “Just pay your fine, Ma’am.”
person i just met reaches out for hand shake
me, realizing my hand is embarrassingly cold: thanks but i know enough people
A sex robot is gonna shoot someone with a 3D gun in my lifetime
*peeks under bathroom stall*
How’s the wifi signal in there?
Me: I like how you dyed all the meat green for St. Patrick’s Day.
Chipotle manager: It’s St. Patrick’s Day?
Someone called me
yesterday and said,
“Hello, is this Ross”
I said ” no it’s Chandler”
And they hung up.So much for trying to
be Friends.
If your cat is your “child,” I bet its “grandparents” are “sad”
Coworker: a chocolate oatmeal cookie isn’t a healthy breakfast.
Me: *smashes cookie*
There it’s granola, now stfu..
Monday is a draft that was sent by mistake when God’s cat jumped on the keyboard.
*has no idea what a book even is*
Best thing about dead batteries is they are free of charge!
“shark infested waters”…. you mean their home????😭