Oh the things that I’d do* to that man
*stand in the corner awkwardly and hope he notices me and thinks I’m cute
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MAN: What are you doing?
ME: [pointing gun at lake] Fishing
MAN: No way will-
SALMON: [walks out of lake with fins up]
Zoom is really only for one thing: realizing our dream of staring at ourselves while talking to other people.
man: hello I want a drugs
dealer: are you the cops?
man: [puts on sunglassss] I am not cop
dealer: are you sure!
man: [puts on more sunglasses] I am not cop
dealer: here are four drugs
man: [puts on cop sunglasses] I am cop
Awkward silences? No problem. Just start beatboxing. Does it make things any less awkward? Absolutely not. But it eliminates the silence. Now it’s just awkward beatboxing. You’re welcome.
I made a mistake. Then I ate that mistake and made more. I made so many mistakes that I had leftovers. Soon, a freezer full of mistakes. You’ve stopped making mistakes? Here, have some of mine. I’ve got plenty.
dove: don’t poop on a nun…don’t poop on a nun…*poops* dammit
Did you just call me a boombox? Eugh that’s such a stereotype
I did nothing wrong—I tried to do nothing and did it wrong.
I highly suggest that you do not google that term.
If I see someone has deliberately parked their big expensive car so that no one can use the space next to them I will do everything I can to try and squeeze in to the spot. My record is 6 minutes of careful manoeuvring and having to exit through the boot.
Lifehack: Turn any noun into an insult by simply putting ‘You absolute’ before it.
Examples:
You absolute drum
You absolute fridge
You absolute shed
You absolute goose
You absolute bollard
ME: i trained my cat to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: name an object pronoun
CAT: me-
ME: what do u I say when I’m hurt
CAT: -ow
HER: this sucks
ME: patience
CAT: we’re just getting started, Linda
ME: have you seen my keys?
WIFE: check your pockets
ME: nope
[phone rings]
ME: hello?
CIA: check your other pocket
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t wear a blanket to work
I wish I’d worked to learn another language. Only so I’d be more believable when I use language barriers as an excuse to not talk to people
YES
YES
YES
YES
YES
-me watching the pizza delivery guy on my GPS app as he gets closer to my house
Maybe it’s time for a second child. The first one isn’t getting as many likes on Facebook now.
when someone is trying to explain crypto to me for the third time and i’m trying to imagine their death in the most super-creative way possible
A mockingbird, a diamond ring, a mirror, a goat, a cart and bull, and finally a dog.
If you’re trying to quiet a baby, may I recommend a pacifier and a white noise machine?
*First date*
Him: I just want someone to say to me I love you and really mean it someday!
Me: I love you and really mean it someday..
Him:
Me: there’s no pleasing some people
[touching face upon receiving compliment]
Glad you like it. But, it’s not a teardrop tattoo. It’s an Oxford comma.
You don’t understand how hard it is to play Dungeons & Dragons when your dragon is gay, fabulous and always protesting violence. It’s hard.
“You make your own luck!”
– Lucky People
Yeah. Spring cleaning is going well, thanks.
Must be a very worrying time for anyone who has dumped a body in a reservoir.
Sorry, when you said you needed someone to listen to your problems, I assumed you meant by eavesdropping on your therapy sessions.
My kids are yelling so incoherently at one another it sounds like they’re naming IKEA furniture.
BILLY JOEL: Only the good die young.
CLIMATE CHANGE: Actually I’m not gonna be picky.
FYI –
Lisa on FB has cramps but is still going to yoga.I’ll keep you all posted.
Remember when we had to smack the TV cause it wasn’t coming in clearly…I feel that way about too many people