cat lawyer slowly pushing the opposing lawyer’s evidence off the courtroom table
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I’m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn’t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.
Dear Ninja Turtles,
Why are you wearing masks? There are no other giant, mutated turtles. No one’s gonna mistake a different turtle for you.
People criticise me for chasing squirrels in the park but I trust my dog
my New Year’s Eve plans:
– sleep until 11:59 PM
– wake up to watch the ball fall
– practice writing 2024 a few times
– go to bed
Me: Damn, there is no better feeling than skin on skin
store employee: Sir, you…you know you know you have to buy that pack of chicken now right?
whoa.. whoa… whoa… we ain’t flying anywhere until you get some damn pants on
never ask a starfish for directions
Own pets. That way no one will ever know who made that terrible smell
If only I had the stomach of the person I am when I lie down.
4yo: Can I have some more Easter candy?
Me: After lunch
4yo: I want lunch right now. I’m starving!!
Me: We just ate breakfast
4yo: Starving!
My dad always used to say ‘if you take care of the small things, the big things take care of themselves’. This cost him his job at the zoo.
9y.o: “Mom, how many eggs can make an omelette?”
Me: “Well,-“
9: “-I mean, if eggs break, can you still use them?”
Me: …
9: Like, if they smashed all over a floor, could you still make them?”
Me: …
9: “Yeah, so…how do you clean eggs off a floor?”
Kids going as Batman for Halloween should not be accompanied by parents unless those parents are dressed as ghosts
sometimes the people that hurt us the most are the people with nunchucks
After I ask a stranger if I can pet their dog and they say yes, I like to respond, “I’ll keep that in mind” and walk off
Chris: I don’t care.
Kris: I don’t kare either.
I saved my husband’s life insurance company 1 million dollars by switching to xanax.
Technically, setting someone on fire is burning calories.
her: what’s your last name?
me: it’s French
her: that’s nice dear, but what is it?
me: no my last name is literally just French.
her: oh how fun, do you speak French?
me: idk do you speak Johnson, Barbara?
Maybe a ninja is fighting a chameleon right in front of you.
Ever think of that??
If my name was Dave I’d text my friends today saying “IT’S FRIDAVE! LET’S PARTY!”. They’d be sick of me by Tuesdave.
*walks into work 20 minutes late*
*boss glares at me*
“Sorry. Traffic.”
*boss gestures to my Starbucks cup*
“Oh this? I found it.”
Punctuation Matters. Period.
All those Tarot cards and not one person at Burning Man saw this coming.
Interview
Boss: What could you bring to this company?
Me: Well I guess I could bring my stereo, but I get to choose what we listen to.
Before the “accident” they were Duran Duran Duran
I tried quitting this mom job but the exit interview was just my kids saying “But why?” for 4 hours straight.
*swishing the vaccine around in my arm like it’s a fancy wine*
*Trains lightning bugs to spell*
Karen, they have a message for u
WILL YOU M-
“Omg Yes!”
OVE OUT?
Oh good. Here I packed your bags already.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: let’s back up for a second
ME: what’s wrong
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: did you just call it dude diligence