Is it me or do the unread books in the bookstore just seem shinier than the unread books at home?
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Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
[Watching Star Trek with my date]
ME: *leans in* It’s called Star Trek but the stars don’t actually go anywhere.
People on LinkedIn on a Saturday.
Who. Hurt. You?
“if you could dinner with any scientist, alive or dead, which one would it be?”
“schrodinger”
People think that as your kids get older you have more freedom but if that were true I wouldn’t be standing in the kitchen eating this chocolate bar out of an empty banana peel
They were tryna put dude out the bar last night for dressing like Jeffery dahmer, but come to find out bruh just looked like that
We’d been married for 5yrs before we heard the patter of tiny feet. In time even the kids learned to live with the massive rat infestation
I hate when I go to unbutton my pants because they’re too tight and they’re already unbuttoned.
I won’t get excited until Twitter adds a button that lets me correct mistakes in other people’s tweets.
Coworker sneezed, and said “Oh my. I don’t know where that came from.”
I’m no Scientist, but I’m pretty sure it came from her nose.
Good morning, a spider’s favorite music app is Spotafly and your day can only get better from this joke forward Happy Thursday
friend: our baby was a surprise
me: *aware that pregnancy lasts for nine months* … how
Writing “Omg you guys are still friends after what she said about you???” on every group photo of girls I see on Instagram
Hey dude that invented the unicycle…
Where were you wanting to go ?
then not go,
then go,
then not go,
then get bored and juggle
If you do the Macarena while you cold call people to ask about their political opinions that makes you a poll dancer.
If a bear wears shoes and socks he still has bear feet.
I let my dog watch “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it….Which surprised me because, he hated the book.
“Man, people have a lot of free time on their hands,” says my husband, standing idly by our window for several minutes staring at everyone attending our neighbor’s garage sale.
I don’t want clothes that spark joy. I want clothes in which I can pause in a doorway, look over a shoulder, and utter something devastating before exiting.
Mom: Everyone has to learn to swim
Kid: Even Jesus?
Mom: Of course
Jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* Lying’s a sin, Brenda
person sitting next to me on a plane: [nervously] how often do planes crash
me: usually once
Milk crates are like a Swiss Army knife for the poor…
Need a stool? Milk crate!
A bookshelf? Milk crate! A side table? Two milk crates!
‘I want to see other families.’
~Me, saying grace at Thanksgiving
Whoever came up with the idea of pills for cats never met a cat
ME: my apologies sir I totally thought you were someone else
HIM: *pulls plunger off his face* well don’t let it happen again
I didn’t have google maps growing up. The way you knew you were going the wrong way was by driving into a different state.
I don’t got that dog in me. I got that cat in me. Bam knocked your water cup right off the counter. Now I’m gonna take a nap
“New Year, New Me” gets easier every year cause I keep setting the bar lower and lower
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.