I didn’t sign up for the 401k at work, because there’s no way I can run that far.
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Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
why are bouquets only for flowers? why not a bouquet of hot dogs. or a bouquet of hot dogs with ketchup. or a bouquet of hot dogs with musta
My wife and I toss a coin to settle our arguments. If the coin comes down, she wins, if it stays suspended in air forever, I win.
me: you won’t get on the ledge. you’re an egg bro, get real
humpty dumpty: watch me
[several minutes later]
me approaching the king, tears in my eyes: it’s my fault. it’s all my fault
I wear a French maid’s outfit specifically to get OUT of doing housework.
This is my brand.
In space, no one can hear you scream. Because it’s space, and everyone is on the ground. What are you even doing up there?
“have you seen the gas prices?” no man i drive with my eyes closed because it’s scary
Me: Finally! A fridge with an automatic ice dispenser! This truly is the good life!
Also me: *reaches in to grab cubes with my hand EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.*
I’ve been training like Rocky lately *cracks Cadbury caramel egg, drinks caramel*
7: *walks into the house, holding $20 in one hand & keys in the other
Me: What kind of sales pitch did you use on your PaPa to get that?
7: I need $20 and your car keys.
“Oh I’m not very good at that game, but sure, I’ll play with you”
Family dinners are fun because we start out as a family of 6 & then after everyone gets in trouble for acting up it’s a dinner for two.
Me: *disappointed* so an oral argument isn’t having make up sex after a row?
Lawyer:
[Signing waiver for the show Cops]
No no, you don’t have to blur my face but how about a sweet mustache?
Pronouncing words correctly is not my fort.
It is a truth universally acknowledged ON MARS that a single woman in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.
I’ve been making my own bread every single day for two weeks now and I finally understand why people always look so miserable in historic photos.
Replying to peoples selfies with the phone number to a dermatologist is not OK.
I’ll stop now.
Everything happening on Twitter now is a lot easier to understand if you‘ve ever had a younger sibling that invented a game and added a new rule every time they started losing.
I honestly think we are asking too much of cauliflower.
My 10 yo is talking to me past 9 pm. Why is he attacking me like this?
WIFE: remember to pick him up at 5
ME: ok
[later]
ME: [dropping 3-year-old son off at daycare] see ya in 2 years, bud
the way parents struggle with understanding remote work is funny.
me: *comes down to grab some water*
mum: is everything okay, did you take permission?
mil: are they happy with you?
me: 😂😂😂😂 I Dont know guys, leave me alone 😂
“Predators are essential for a healthy ecosystem,” I explained as I released a bobcat into the airduct
I never met a problem I couldn’t make worse
Facebook: I’m happy!
Instagram: I’m pretty!
Vine: I’m artsy!
Pinterest: I’m crafty!
Twitter: I’m lying everywhere but here.
Therapist: do what makes u happy and don’t do what makes u sad
Me: so happy music makes me happy
Therapist: yea
Me: and sad music makes me sad
Therapist: yea
Me: and I’m sad
Therapist: yea
Me: therefore I should listen to sad music
Therapist: so close
[invention of spaghetti]
Inventor: i made them very long
Wife: they still fit in a pot though right?
Inventor: lol no why
I’m fairly certain my dogs would run away and hide if I’m ever attacked by a leaf.