If you look up the word “not a virgin” in the dictionary, it’s a picture of me wearing a sick leather jacket.
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No one said life would be easy, but a heads-up on the number of idiots out there would’ve been nice.
My friend reckons he’s going to make a fortune flying people about in his invisible aeroplane. I can’t see it taking off.
Crazy how women have the stereotype of being chatty when 90% of dudes have 45 minute podcasts that no one listens to…
LOIS: look! up in the sky!
JIMMY: it’s a bird! it’s a plane!
BABY: *opens wide*
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
walmart in August: here’s some pumpkins
walmart ON halloween day: merry christmas
WHERE’S THE PUMPKINS AT BRO I NEED 3.
The Friday File.
No disrespect to the Jurassic World franchise, but the scariest dinosaur is purple and claims he loves me and is part of my family.
i made way too much chili and i’ve been eating way too much chili and at this point i’m like 87% chili
I just ate a kid’s meal at McDonald’s. His mom tried to stop me but I’m too fast
Apparently if you perm a yak’s hair and spin it around a bunch of times it’s good for your libido…
…It’s a well known afro dizzy yak
I may disagree with what you say, but I will defend to the death this little fort I made out of mashed potato with gravy as a moat and the carrots are cannons. Sorry, what were you saying?
[texting old friend I only hung out with cuz they had a trampoline] do u still got that trampoline
a daycare dad cut me off in the parking lot so I went early yesterday and taught his kid how to ride a bike you can never get that back
Apparently Red Cross won’t let you donate blood if you bring it in a Coke bottle. That squirrel died for nothing.
February
20°
NW OhioIn a 2 acre parking lot, a bird manages to find my windshield.
I hope your spoon slides into your soup
Current anger level: I am last-beer-in-the-fridge-turns-out-to-be-a-soy-sauce-bottle angry.
Me [crying]: I just don’t understand what I did wrong. Please let me in.
Automatic Door: Screw. You.
If you had a gaming PC in prison, can you imagine how good you’d get
Me: *winking while holding up an eggplant
Passport photographer: No
I tell people I rearrange my furniture to change things up, but we all know it’s to annoy my husband
Every time my husband pisses me off, I sprinkle sugar on his deodorant so he’s wondering all day why his armpit hair is so sticky.
Horoscopes signs should sound cool like asparagus, chevrolet and Dan
I call my horse mayo
bc mayo neighs
My mother-in-law said that we should stay an extra day if it’s too snowy to drive.
SOMEONE LEND ME A SALT TRUCK.
FRIEND: Did you hear there is some guy on the loose stealing puppies?
ME: That’s terrible!
*my backpack starts barking*
It’s crazy how my ex was so upset about losing me that he had to build a life with a new woman.
My favourite childhood memory is not paying bills