Occasionally, the universe will send a sniffly stranger to stand too close to you in the store and inexplicably follow you through a couple aisles. Just for funsies
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Sex is great but have you ever told some dude that there wasn’t enough room for the two of you on a very large floating door after your ship sank to the bottom of the ocean on it’s maiden voyage?
My dog wakes up at 4:30 every morning so he can take a nap by 6.
I have never seen a single “when animals attack” video that I wasn’t rooting for the animal.
don’t talk to me or my son or my son’s son or my son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s s
When an old lady dies and then her husband dies a couple of weeks later, it isn’t because his heart is broken. It’s because he can’t cook.
in 2nd grade we had to draw what we wanted to be when we grew up and i just drew myself with sunglasses on
Cow Scientist: Sir, we’ve discovered a deadly aMOOOba infecting our milk. It has a very high MOOOtality rate and it’s rapidly MOOOtating
Cow President: *grimly* Holy cow
Me: I’m never getting married again no matter what anybody says.
Her: I made us cheeseburgers.
Me: uh oh.
I wish the blonde girl with the pterodactyls would hurry up and kill everyone.
*Makes sure the new girl at work sees how much pineapple I eat at lunch*
*winks*
I hope someone makes you feel special today. I’m not doing it, I’m busy.
[first day as a flight attendant]
Pilot: tell them we’re descending
Me: THE PLANE IS GOING DOWN
Pilot: wtf take it back they’ll panic
Me: WE ARE STAYING UP HERE FOREVER
I do not hit my children. However, I do text them in complete sentences with capitalization and punctuation, which is apparently equally aggressive.
Hi… So do you like really chunky lower legs and stuff? I kick strong!
~ Me, clearly not impressing the girls when I was in High School.
Me: We need some ham.
Her: I just bought a pound of ham yesterday.
Me: Are you going to judge me, or are you going to buy some ham?
Airbud being shut down by the oppositions new defender, the vacuum.
her: I don’t feel like talking
me: uh oh, is it me?
her: not at all, I’m having a hard time
me: uh oh, what did I do?
her: no no, a family member died
me: uh oh, did I kill them?
i would simply not board a british passenger liner that was poorly captained and about to sideswipe an iceberg
went to kiss a girl last night and her eyes rolled back and her head floated off her shoulders body burst into flames i am a bad kisser
CUSTOMER: What’s it run on?
YODA: [first day as an electric car salesman] Watts, it run on.
CUSTOMER: Ok I need to speak to your manager, you baldy parrot.
M-I can’t go. My Ewok is sick.
H-Gigi that’s a stuffed animal.
M-
H-
M-Crap. I think you’re right. I bet he ate all my Doritos again.
@funTweeters Thanks so much she screams throwing glitter all over That is so cool!
Hope floats but corpses don’t, so remember: bricks or 25 to life.
Inspirational tweet.
It’s so rude when someone else is using your toilet cubicle at work
Cop: can u describe your attacker
Me: super aggressive, with a big nose & powerful arms
Cop: u just described a seagull
Me: he took my chips
I really don’t get Astrology but I just hope my daughter stays a Virgo until she’s at least 18.
*slowly unwraps a candy bar as neighbor talks about her new diet
*holds up bread* this is my body
*holds up wine* this is my blood
*holds up fire* and this is my mixtape
If your 6-year-old suddenly runs to assure you in the kitchen that his napping toddler brother is “JUST FINE,” you can be sure that he has tiny dinosaur figurines stacked high on his forehead as he sleeps.
“Dammit. I had shit planned today.”
— a spider being carried out of the house with a cup and piece of paper