her: HELP ME! I’m bleeding out!
me: Not on my watch you aren’t!
her: Oh, my hero! Thank you!
me [tucking watch in pocket] Huh?
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Interviewer: your resume is very impressive, but what would you say is your biggest weakness
Me: lying on my resume probably
If hockey comes back this season we should be allowed to appoint one single fan to watch the games who’s only job is to shout “shoot!” on the power-play and occasionally bang on the glass.
I don’t understand why salads are seen as “dainty” food. I look more like a wild animal eating salad than literally anything else.
Brushing my daughter’s hair
Me: Why is your hair SO tangled?
5: I don’t know. Glue maybe?
Me: Did you put glue in your hair?
5: Yes.
Went to Target to look at discounted Christmas stuff but apparently it’s Valentine’s Day now.
You should never donate to people that collect money for marathons.
They just take your money and run.
me: I want to be handsome like my dad
friend: is your dad handsome?
me: no but he wants to be too
What if all DJs decided at once to stop using the infamous air horn sound effect and started using the sound of an old man climbing stairs?
Recycling in 2019: I’m not an alcoholic haha I just had a party
Recycling in 2020: omg I swear I didn’t have a party I’m just an alcoholic
My face when someone is offended by something super offensive I said to them:
learning is so boring unless it’s gossip. teachers should just start every lecture like “omg did you hear about parabolas”
This guy told me he spoke Swedish and then spoke Swedish and tbh I have no way of knowing if he was lying.
You’d think cats would act more grateful that we sent Curiosity to Mars.
[being dragged out of a Spice Girls concert] AND SPORTY ISN’T AN ACTUAL SPICE EITHER
Cyclists who think you’re both a car AND a pedestrian.
Explain yourselves.
My client has retained me to cancel plans with you.
Day 4 of quarantine – my dog wants me to go to work
Me (looking up at the clock): Oh no, boys and girls we were working so hard we missed recess! I’m so sorry that I forgot.
6yo: (patting my arm) That’s ok, I think that happens when you start to get older.
A female contestant is on Wheel of Fortune. “Give me a D” she says. “She wants the D” Pat Sajak says & then high fives the camera man.
*i walk over to a coworker who is singing along with a song on the radio, gently put my hand on their shoulder & whisper*
no
smartest karate player in the world
The only way I would find gender reveal parties even remotely okay is if the guests had the option to boo when the gender is revealed
How long will it take my husband to get to the acceptance part of the grief process after learning that the dryer he fixed 10 minutes ago is broken again?
Took my fluffy little dog to the beach thinking maybe he’d frolic around in the water, play fetch, dig a hole in the sand. He ran straight for a dead seagull and rolled around on its carcass
wife: Where’s the food?
[flashback to me waving at a dog and forgetting to stop at the second window to pick it up]
me: Dammit
I’m so uncomfortable with confrontation, a waiter could bring me a bowl of cold black olives instead of my meal and I would quietly eat them and tip 30%.
Why do parents train babies to peek with the game peekaboo but then spend the remaining childhood telling them not to peek?
Bird: *standing in middle of road challenging me*
Me: *swerving and driving off cliff* you have won again bird
[Clinic waiting room]
Me: WHEN DO WE DO BUTT STUFF??!
Nurse: Sir don’t shout that!
Me: [whispering to old lady next to me] butt stuff. when?
barista: room for cream?
me: oh you must be new *puts hand on his shoulder* that’s called a refrigerator