I like to reassure my girlfriend that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
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Me: Ping me when you are free.
Girl:Ok. *Starts working in 2 Shifts*
Someone just posted that they baked some synonym rolls. So I said, “Just like grammar used to make?”
Now I’m blocked 😅🤣😂
Co-Worker: You say apparently a lot.
Me: Yes, I know.
CW: It really bothers me.
M: Apparently so.
CW: You don’t care.
M: Apparently not.
I’m not drunk enough for this
*gets drunk
I’m too drunk for this
Eating too much fruitcake is the sin of gluttony.
However, eating too much pie is okay, because the sin of pi is zero.
#FruitCakeDay #RubbishJokes #Dadjokes
My parents are pretty middle aged.
“So? That’s pretty norm-”
*two knights bust in*
“CHILD, DOST THOU REQUEST REFRESHMENTS FROM THE TAVERN?”
Executioners flirting:
You hang first.
No, you hang first.
*giggling*
No, you hang!
No you!
This surgeon yelling at me in the physician’s lounge. He thinks I’m a med student. I’m just gonna keep letting him yell at me and then put on my attending hospitalist badge, say “ok then” and leave.
[My cooking show]
Me: Today we’ll be roasting a pig. Kevin, come on up.
Kevin: *crying*
Exercise good judgement? I don’t think so, I don’t exercise anything.
This cat poop tastes like I’m about to get yelled at.
— Dogs
Most monkeys don’t like bananas, they’re just being sexy.
Mars rover quietly killing whatever life it finds.
Sure, I’m uncomfortable, but only in situations
current fitness level: can you spot me while I pick up this blanket?
my boss just walked in on me ripping a piece of paper in half with the word “Boss” written on it
My favorite part of Easter is when, after dinner, the whole family gets together and reads letters about how my drinking has affected them.
“There are a lot of dead bodies, but it’s okay because they look more like ham.”
-my daughter describing her video game
I hope that if I ever have to call 9-1-1 for an emergency an essential oil person is not the operator.
Help, I’m hurt.
Try Lavender.
Coworker: “How was your weekend?”
Me: “You know, they killed Socrates because he asked too many questions.”
Lets all Twittercide at the same time & not tell a Will Smith parody account, 1 dog account, & all the zombie people just to freak him out.
4-year-old: Are goats real?
Me: Of course they are. I can show you some if you want.
4: *runs away*
Apparently she was saying “ghosts.”
[first day on wind farm]
me: *placing bucket under turbine* what do I squeeze
OMG 🤣🤣
Five Little Monkeys jumping on the bed
One fell off and bumped his head
Mama sipped wine and said, “told ya.”
i want the met gala theme to be “work from home” and celebrities just wear designer sweatpants and shirts with holes in them
if I ever go missing, it won’t be hiking. you guys don’t even have to look there.
Who wants to be my Valentine?
Women’s skincare is so confusing am I supposed to look shiny and sweaty or matte like cement
Me: So I’ll see you Friday?
Friend: I can’t wait!
Me: FINE THEN FORGET IT