When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
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I hope that the missing puzzle piece my 5 year old has been searching the house for has nothing to do with my 2 year old’s burp.
I bought a Christmas tree today and the salesman asked if I was going to put it up myself. I said no, I’m going to put it in the living room.
I don’t normally shit with the door open but I don’t want to miss the in flight movie
Family vacation is when you listen to your kids cry someplace expensive.
told my dad about a rough patch i went through mentally and he asked in a concerned voice whether i’d still managed to take my car in for routine maintenance
I like how Alexander Graham Bell invented phones, crackers, and ringers.
“Dollars to donuts” is my most frequent currency conversion.
*bolts upright in bed, instantly wide awake in the middle of the night*
“FIRE TRUCKS SHOULD BE CALLED WATER TRUCKS”
Is your wife buying too many shoes? Cut her feet off. There, done.
My son called a paper cupcake liner a “muffin skirt” and I immediately trademarked it
My husband doesn’t find it nearly as amusing as I do, when I read all your tweets out loud to him. For 2 hours.
Douche.
“Why do old people keep getting scammed by phone calls?” wonders a generation that just sent a headshot and access to the data stored on their iPhones to a company they’ve never heard of before
“The Force Awakens” had 0 people riding giant CGI lizards.
How is that even science fiction?
They might as well rename it “Downton Abbey.”
What if Jesus was so chill because he was the only person alive unburdened by the knowledge that his parents had sex?
Des Moines Police having a normal one
Son: How does this end?
Me: Well, some people go to heaven, but others go to hell where they are tortured forever in a horrifying apocalyptic wasteland
Son: No this movie
Me: Shrek marries Fiona
*Turns on work computer*
*Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately locks computer as it’s now lunchtime*
*Logs back into computer. Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately closes down computer as it’s time to go*
God: And they will have relationships full of love, commitment, and passion
Angel: Sounds perfect
God: Lol, they have to pick two of three
non-fungible…that’s when you’re allergic to mushrooms right?
About the only thing I’ve learned from playing Angry Birds is that the pigs could definitely benefit from a comprehensive revamp of their building codes which currently allow construction using unsecured masonry, glass, balloons, and boxes of TNT.
Just saw a bundt so big and beautiful I changed my sexual orientation to cake.
MUGGER: give me ur wallet
ME: stand back i have mace
MUGGER: [sniffing] is this cookies-scented febreze
[job interview for psychic]
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME: Well played.
For six years I have been occasionally going to a friend’s house to play Scrabble. Each time I’ve taken along an extra “E” tile and added it to his set. He is now playing with nine extra Es. He hasn’t actually noticed but complains about have too many Es every time.
Remember, smoking doesn’t kill people. People who are trying to quit smoking kill people.
Another exciting afternoon in Cheltenham…
As we start gaining speed in the bobsled, I realize it was a mistake to bullshit my way into this.
NASA: we’re sending astronauts back to the moon
Me: good, return them to their natural habitat
*fighting with the husband*
He: deal with it!!
Me: oh yeah??? *calls parents and invites them for a long weekend*