when horses drive past a field of people they say “people”
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It’s like joking about bombs in the TSA security line. Is it protected speech? Yes. Is it a crime? No. Are you going to have a bad day? Yes.
*Looks around nervously* The steam from my pasta is ungluing my chest hair toupee and the other mafia bosses are taking notice.
a snail bet me £1000 he could get home before i could and i didn’t really think it thru properly can anybody lend me money?
[spider walking into first spin class] What’s the deal with the bikes?
*driving home*
Me: I spy something gray.
4yo: Your hair!
Me:…
4yo:…
Me: I spy something adopted.
When an employer says they’re offering competitive salary I assume we’re all gonna assemble in the breakroom for medieval combat.
BOSS: What’s going on here?
ME: Dave’s mad because he specifically labelled his sandwich in the fridge and I accidentally-
DAVE: Not accidentally, on purpose!!
ME: ugh ok FINE. And I, “on purpose”, slept with his wife
My yogurt just moved. Paranormal activia.
King Midas: *turns something to gold for the first time* Au yeah
I hate to brag but my family has testified against me in court more than yours has.
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a possessed artifact to me.
Wife and I got each others name tattooed on the other after we got married. Split up and I had it covered with another tattoo. Two years later got back together and I’ve not told her yet, she just thinks I sleep in a hoodie because I’m cold. Have to come clean soon.
me: this english class is stupid who needs grammar
{ 15 years later }
me, leaning to lawyer: what the hell is a sentence
WIFE: no no no I loved your vows I just thought you could’ve used the word ‘bloodthirsty’ a little less
*sends ex’s coordinates to wayward rocket*
too old for tik tok, too young for facebook, too weird for linkedin, not weird enough for reddit, too ugly for instagram…where will i go now
[after I cut a bagel] would you like the side that is somehow three times larger than the original bagel or the side that is the first object ever to have only two dimensions
Meghan Trainor songs:
-All About That Bass
-Flounder’s Good Too
-Also I Like Shrimp
-Wait, I’m a Vegan
-All About That Kale
*Sitting at Gate*
Airport Wifi- All settled in? Feeling productive?
Me- Yep, why?
Airport Wifi- Cool, let me just drop ou…
*closes laptop*
what i mean when i say i’m rolling myself a fat one
“Its odd how the Church just lets
pedophile’s grant forgiveness”Anyway…thats why I’m not allowed
in Confession anymore.
him: i love you
me: im saving my emotions for the star wars premiere
[restaurant]
WAITRESS: Would you like a lunch menu or a dinner menu?
ME: No thanks. I don’t eat menus.
Can you teach a self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house?
Dogs reunited with family: OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! I MISSED YOU SO MUCH!
Cats reunited with family: I see you peasants are still alive. Feeding me wouldn’t displease me I guess.
My cousin was Mulder on Halloween. He loves the X-Files! Oh stupid autocorrect. That should have said “murdered”. And “loved”, past tense.
One time, when the kids were teenagers,
we tried to ditch them on a family holiday.It didn’t work, unfortunately.
They found us.
[narrating a commercial for therapy]
“For a 100 bucks an hour we’ll blame your mother.”
[My first day as Lady Gaga]
*talking to my stylist*
just wrap ham around my face.
Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. Marry your enemy. Grow old together. Watch your enemy die.