waiter: would u like the bill?
me: no I would not
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“We can’t hire you. We’re trying to get more diverse”
ME: But I’m Hispanic
[A bear walks in wearing a fresh Hooters outfit]
ME: Aw man
My life as a parent is less Mary Poppins and more Shawshank Redemption.
wife: you forgot to take the garbage out
me: sorry. I’ll take 2 garbages out tonight
Cop: i told you this land is off limits
Me: oh i thought you said it was all flimits
Cop: wtf are flimits
Me: idk let’s go look
Cop: ok
You know what I hate? People who say the secret ingredient is love.
NO IT’S NOT, SHARON. IT’S SMOKED PAPRIKA
Son: When did u know you were old?
Me: When I started saying ‘congratulations’ to friends who said they were pregnant instead of ‘oh shit.’
I want to apologize for the awful true things I said when I was angry.
From now on when you see me use the word “variants” know that I’m referring to my children.
Manslaughter. The sound of a man laughing?
Day 22 of quarantine and I’ve turned my living room into a nudist colony. The kids hate it but I’ve finally obtained some privacy
Hot air balloon operator: How long a ride do you want?
Me: Can we stay up for 12 to 18 months?
*Leans head up to wife as I’m dying*
Me: My only regret is…
*Coughs loudly*
Me: …not having something cooler to say as I die.
*Dies*
My kid: Ohana means family and family means no body gets left behind
Me: I don’t care what ohana means, you have 5 seconds to get your shoes on or we’re leaving without you
wife: [talking & making baby noises at cat]
me: you must be bored af
wife: no I’m not
me: I was talking to the cat
You shouldn’t underestimate the number of places that you can’t put your finger after you’ve been chopping chillies.
I could shower but I wouldn’t mean it
Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly and poor.
Self-cleaning conscience
titanic just goes to show what can go wrong if you paint someone else’s fiancee
There’s nothing church people love more than getting teenagers and young adults to move all the chairs
Just ONCE, I’d like took deep into your beautiful eyes, and make hot sweet love with you without some pop-up window ruining the mood.
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Except for that guy in the park who thinks he’s Napoleon. He’s fighting the Battle of Trafalgar. But mostly you don’t know.
To clarify:
DOJA CAT is a 25-year-old rapper, singer, and songwriter.
DEJA CAT is the strange sensation that you’ve seen a cat somewhere before.
Hope this helps!
If my company really wanted us to move during a fire drill, they’d lose the alarm and just announce that there’s free food by the stairs.
How dare you call me mentally unstable, on this, the day of my cat’s quinceanera.
Skynet: Send a Terminator to 1984.
[5 minutes later]
Skynet: Okay, nothing changed. Send the way better liquid terminator to 1991.
Me: *parks in “pregnant women only” parking spot after overeating at the buffet*
Stranger: Oh wow, you look like you’re going to pop! When are you due?
Me: Probably in like 24-30 hours.
It is true. Time flies when you are having fun.
However it is also true that Time eventually rests on a tree branch and shits on your head.
Not to brag but I walked by a group of guys today and heard one of them say “See? That’s why I’m gay.”
My sunglasses are always prescription so if they’re stolen, it becomes two idiots who can’t see.