My pantry would give that guy from Sleeping with the Enemy a heart attack.
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I once stayed at an Airbnb where the bathroom had a jacuzzi, a heated floor and warmed towels. I prefer hotels now, because I don’t have to be forcibly removed from them.
*Tries to start the wave at a funeral
When somebody unfollows me, I want to go on a shopping spree and walk into their house while holding bags and say, “Big mistake. Big. Huge!”
So you think makeup is “lying”
Sir, if you believe I was born with sparkles on my eyelids and blue lips, that’s on you
[Running a marathon]
Guy beside me: are- are you wearing tap dancing shoes?
I like dogs cuz if you do something stupid they don’t criticize you, they do it with you.
[Sexting]
“So, what are you wearing?”
A nice blouse and a light sweater. Sensible shoes.
COP: We have reports of u blasting music.
ME: Sorry I’ll keep the Metallica down
COP: We were told it was Britney Spears “Lucky.” On repeat.
The International Space Station was assembled IN SPACE.
I can’t follow one page of illustrated instructions to assemble an IKEA dresser.
The symmetry is uncanny.
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
women and their purses! haha what’s in there. tampons? lol. WATER? sweater? got sweaters? do you have an extra men’s medium sweater in there
One of My Ex’s was absolutely beautiful. But, it didn’t workout because all she wanted to do was SWING.
I miss third grade.
Some of you are acting like you got off a flight from Australia instead of losing one hour.
*House Hunters
“Greg and Tina have been looking for months. She needs a house that ‘flows,’ and now he longs for the sweet relief of death. Can they both get what they want?”
Having multiple kids is weird. You have one kid you could trust to be home alone for a whole weekend & you know they’d eat vegetables, lock the doors, & wash the dishes.
Then you have another kid who is not allowed to hold an umbrella.
And they’re almost the same age.
As a fireman, I’m constantly asked questions like, “Can you please stop flexing & put out that fire?”
I’m writing a song about this year, so far i have AAAAAAAAH OH MY GOD WHAT IS HAPPENING
[sees cute girl jog by]
“Imma run up and ask her out”
[one block later still not caught up]
“Ok, wow, we probably weren’t soul mates anyway”
How many lost cats walk by the telephone pole with their missing flier on it? Just another reason to teach your cat to read.
All the baby books tell you that infants need to eat every 2 to 3 hours, but what they fail to mention is that this behavior continues until the child turns 18 and moves out of your house.
In hell u have to go hot tubbing with all the people who show up in the “people you may know” section of facebook
Her: It’s disgusting how many dirty habits you have.
Me: THE NUNS PAY ME GOOD MONEY TO DO THIER LAUNDRY OK???
at this point space aliens could land on earth on sunday night before the election & we’d all go yeah ok whatever
[Jurassic Park]
JOHN HAMMOND: We’ve spared no expense!
ACCOUNTANT: There are no backup generators and you’ve hired 5 employees to run an entire island
JOHN HAMMOND: I meant on the dinosaurs
Emily Dickinson: hope is the thing with feathers
Taxidermist: you’re fired
I love when fanfic writers write about seedy nightclubs because you can tell so instantly that they have never in their lives been inside one.
It’s like a zoo lion dreaming of the savanna
George Clooney and Brad Pitt fall in love and rob casinos together.
#ExplainAFilmPlotBadly
It’s terribly sad, but the fact that the graphic had to be added is due to the shockingly low literacy rate among geese.
I once conjured a blizzard to get out of a “lunch date”.