[interrupts gf talking about her dream wedding]
lol a horse drawn carriage?
“what’s funny about that?”
a horse can’t hold a pencil karen
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ROOF GUY: That’ll be $15,000
ME: I thought you said it was on the house
My 4yo just saw two people french kissing on TV and asked me why they were “eating each other,” so I’m open to suggestions here.
This is from an actual conversation 🤣🤣
Scientist: We don’t really know exactly how that happens. They’re performing electron microscopy, PCR, & tissue cultures to figure it out
Random person: Did you try searching the internet?
[10mins from now]
..& just like that North Korea was removed from history & got nuked by every country on Earth for bringing down Twitter..
The kid hasn’t pooped in 3 days.
Do I just squeeze him from the other end like a tube of toothpaste?
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy John charge his wife for martinis
Drama Llama is what they dubbed me in college. Not because of my theatrics, I earned the name by spitting.
We like the way Dwight thinks
Remember when your mom would just drop you off at the mall and have no way to get in touch with you? I don’t even trust my kids to go upstairs alone.
“I hate when I can’t think of the right word,” she protesticulated.
Earth: Sorry, but I love the sun now, and nothing’s going to come between us.
Moon: *throws shade*
Her: You sound hoarse. What’s wrong?
*flashback to me screaming Taylor Swift songs in my car on the way home*
Me: Dunno. Probably a cold.
SCARECROW: If I only had a brain
DOROTHY: I just want to get back to Kansas
TOTO: It’s gonna take a lot to drag me away from you
The irish goodbye: leave without telling anyone
The Midwest goodbye: stand around for 4-8 more hours saying goodbye to the entire party
Swim up bars combine my two favorite things. Drinking and peeing in hotel pools.
Any woman with three or more exes in her city could have told Obama how to avoid Putin in Normandy.
Flight attendant: “will you perform exit row duties in the event of an emergency?”
Me: “yes”
In my head: “No we’re all gonna die”
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art not as nice as this time last year.
What should we call this portable computer?
SOME GUY: Laptop
[everyone applauds…w/ tears in my eyes i crumple a paper that says Kneeputer]
Me: *trying to handle work crisis before I’m fully awake, phone binging with apology texts from various people*
Person on phone: I’m so sorry this landed in your lap. I missed it. They missed it. We all missed it. Now it’s your problem and…Are you…did you just…growl at me?
I try to explain to my kids during the movie that in reality, even a cowardly lion would eat a girl and a little dog.
You look like the kinda person who eats the DO NOT EAT silica packets
Don’t ask me if I’m participating in no nut November, call me when it’s time for Donut December
Oh that’s not nicotine stains on my fingers. That’s mustard. I don’t smoke anything besides ham sandwiches.
94% of tea drinking is just waiting for it to cool down
Last time I took a guy seriously, his girlfriend dm’ed me on twitter telling me they’ve been together for a year and when I confronted him he said if we both argue with each other we’re both not gonna have him 😂😂😂
KFC hitting the cannibal market
“See you on the other side…”
~Me every time I’m at a gate with someone
I am a mother, of course I talk to myself. I am the only one in this house that listens.
Gf: why have you been googling ‘can you milk a hamster’
Me: *wipes milk from mouth* it was for a tweet