*giraffe getting his daily coffee*
G: usual grande mocha man
Barista: gee that’s a…
G: *sigh*
B:…tall order
G: Christ, every goddam day Phil
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I get it, Kevin McCallister. I, too, sometimes wish my family would disappear and leave me home alone with my own cheese pizza.
Oh, so it’s cute when my toddler says “all done” and hangs up mid call on the phone to my in-laws but when I do it I’m “out of line”.
nothing worse than an american ‘alcoholic’ who enters rehab because they drink in a month what a normal british person would on a two hour train journey.
I’m putting together a team
Doctor in lab coat peers into microscope. “Good Lord!” he says. “His burrito levels are off the charts!” – from my autopsy
I AM THE MAN OF THIS HOUSE AND WHAT I SAY GOES in one ear and out the other.
I will judge you by how much dust is on your ceiling fan
The only reason I’ve been going out with this guy all summer is because I have no idea how to operate my gas grill.
They should have a big dishwasher that you can drive your car into so you don’t have to wash it by hand. I’ll let someone else have this idea, goodnight twitter.
Psychiatrist (swinging a pocket watch): You are feeling verrry sleepy…
Me: No shit, doc. I suppose next you’re gonna tell me I’m feeling sad and fat.
Wearing a rollerblade on one foot and an ice skate on the other so you are prepared for any type of terrain.
Being a mom in your 40s is putting a timer in your phone to remind yourself to be the tooth fairy.
A waffle is just a more considerate pancake. It’s like, here, let me hold that syrup for you in these convenient boxes.
there will never be a funnier headline than this one
I’m not like all those other girls
*regurgitates a seagull*
Turbulence is just God’s little way of telling us we’re NOT BIRDS.
Me *chatting up another mom at the playground*: What an adorable name for a boy!
Her: Thanks. We named him after our favorite water bottle company
We talk a big game for a species that has a favourite cup
Friends with kids: what’s the matter with you, why don’t you have kids yet
Also them: kill me my life is a bottomless pit of despair
As an imaginary forensic pathologist I’m pretty disappointed in how many full fingerprints I left on the scotch tape while wrapping presents.
I keep two glasses on my bedside table at night: a glass of water and an empty one, because sometimes, when I wake up, I’m not thirsty.
Like my wife always says, just because I’ve never seen it before doesn’t mean I didn’t lose it.
Tombstones should just say how old the person was. I don’t wanna walk around doing grave math.
i have feelings for you. frustration mostly, but still
Pretty rude of my boyfriends’ wife to keep posting pics from their trip to Aruba.
Cop: *with my license* says here you’re supposed to wear glasses
Me: I have contacts
Cop: I don’t care who you know, put your glasses on
The single greatest thing I’ve done as a parent is convince my kids that Twix are gross and that they should give them all to me.
Happy Halloween!
Don’t ask me if I have a safety pin if you’re going to look at me all weird when I pull one out of my pocket and hand it to you.
I don’t understand wishing dead celebrities happy birthday. Shoutout to Mary Queen of Scots, who would be 577 today.