Saw a bunch of people wearing red and I assumed they were Chiefs fans and I started cursing them out and long story short I am now banned from this Target..
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One time in jail and I asked someone what her favorite cheese was and she said shredded.
Phantom of the Opera: Oh sure, NOW masks are totally cool.
One man’s trash is another man’s problem because the wind just blew my garbage into the neighbor’s yard.
That de-escalated quickly
You lost your mind? Don’t worry. Ask any mom and she’ll find it within two minutes.
Not many people know this but if you just start crying, the customer service rep will just do what you asked
16yo [talking w friend]: fam that’s lit af, tell bae and the squad that it’s on fleek
PARENT: *calls 911* i think my kid’s having a seizure
[operating room]
NEUROSURGEON: and now is the most delicate part of the surgery, where we remove the fluid that has built up in his brain…
NURSE: *nods to assistant* he’s ready for the rice now
bigfoot [eating a clown]: hey these might actually be my size
Her: You should meditate.
Me: And be alone with my thoughts? No thank you.
[ad for umbrellas]
[cut to me trying to swat away raindrops, just getting totally wet]
“There must be a better way!”
Voiceover: UMBRELLAS
My 3 year old had a tantrum earlier and afterwards he apologized for yelling at me. When I started to hug him, he said ‘if you just did what I wanted I wouldn’t get mad.’
Same, kid. Same.
When people fall with their iPhone 6 in pocket and hear a crack sound:
“Please let it be my leg, Lord.”
*takes enough Xanax for an army* I have a killer headache
CW: *hands me 5 Advil*
Woah there brother I’m not about to OD here, 2 will do
To my friends: You smile, I smile, you hurt, I hurt, you cry, I cry, you jump off a bridge. I’m gonna miss your e-mails.
Took my 8 year old to the Grand Canyon and people asked why I didn’t bring my toddler.
If you know my toddler, and you’ve been to the Grand Canyon you will have your answer.
Quick question: do you pee before or after sex? I pee after. I haven’t been able to pee in months
If Amazon boxes become the currency of the post-apocalyptic world my family will be rich.
Threw my back out due to overwhelming sensuality again.
I got sent out of class today at school. The teacher yelled at me, “What would your parents say if I called them?’ I replied, “Hello?”
Might fornicate around and use a thesaurus
luke: yoda, i wish for…….. your freedom
yoda: i’m not a genie. i’m a person like you. i just look really weird
I find it most unfair that the dentist in this neighborhood hands out toothbrushes for Halloween but the pharmacist doesn’t hand out drugs.
once in college this girl got drunk and spilled her guts to me about how horrible her boyfriend was and how he was bad in bed and always flirted with other girls in front of her. anyway now they’re engaged <3
For my new tattoo, I’m totally getting a chest piece of a chess piece, cause its fun to be a pun.
every For Him gift guide is just like “have you considered sock?? what about TOOL??“
[mall]
Me: That guy looks SO familiar!
Wife: …
M: Maybe an actor? Musician?
W: …
M: I’ll get an autograph!
W: He’s our mailman, moron.
When I count my blessings, I count you twice, subtract 4, multiply by 8, and divide by 15 because I don’t know how math or blessings work.
Public restrooms are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet and is wearing heels on one pair.