Me: these edibles are shit
(30 minutes later)
I’m gonna play Jenga with these Oreos
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When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
Geologically speaking San Francisco is such bullshit. “I’m gonna make you go up three hills and down two hills to get anywhere!” Grow up.
Daycare lady: *notices 3-year-old’s shirt is on backward* It’s cute how you let her dress herself.
Me: Yes. She did that.
“It doesn’t matter what you look like on the outside”
ME: Oh thank god
“It’s who you are on the inside”
ME: Dang
[joins a conga line]
me: I can leave any time I like
[someone joins behind]
me: oh no
Husband: How was your day?
Me: We’re all mad here.
Husband: Ok… how were the kids today?
Me: Off with their heads!!!
Husband: Are you quoting Alice in Wonderland?
Me: It’s no use going back to yesterday, because I was a different person then.
Husband: I’m on my way home.
Me: I’m a scorpion.
Date: You mean scorpio?
Me: (clicking my claws together) No I very do not.
Do people who happily announce their pregnancy know they are going to be stuck with a baby afterwards?
[farm]
SON: *crying*
ME: Look, I told you not to get attached to the animals because eventually we have to eat them
SON *running away*: I HATE YOU!!
ME: He’s taking it pretty hard… but I did warn him
WIFE: None of us thought you meant the dog
Whenever a character in a book praises the cleverness of another character’s idea, it’s really just the author praising their own idea.
*sneaks condoms into the carts of fighting couples at the drug store
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
Birthday sex is just having sex to celebrate your parents having sex.
As seen on Reddit: “Tradition is just peer pressure from dead people”.
Discuss.
Person: My name is Mora.”
Hawaiian wizard: “Aloha, Mora.”
*Door behind her unlocks*
Him: no one will steal your identity that way
Me [disposing of old underwear by cutting it into strips like a credit card over a trashcan]: you don’t know that
[at Chinese restaurant]
“Hi I’ll have a large goingon”-What is goingon?
“Nothing much, just hungry for some Chinese food”
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order so I bought an epilator. I’ve got this.
If someone says they like something, responding with “You would” is a highly efficient put-down. In just two words, you’ve implied that a) the thing they like sucks, and b) they have predictably bad taste. Work smarter, not harder.
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
I’m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out.
We are going to watch tv.
I learned everything I need to know from cats. When things get sketchy, run like hell and then stop and groom yourself
My family asked me what I wanted for Mother’s Day, so I packed their bags and changed the locks.
Axl Rose: Where do we go?
Me: Left
Axl: Where do we go now?
Me: Straight.
Axl: Oh, where do we go now?
Me: Damn it, Axl, let me drive!
do you swear to tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth
“starting now?”
yes
“the judge looks like squints from the sandlot”
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about glassblowing
Boss: Are you drinking at your desk?
Me: Yes, because it’s too hot outside.
if potheads are lazy then why did I just go to my car to get a lighter?
*walks into your house*
*sees doll collection*
*backs out slowly lest the dolls notice me and decide to attack*
Sure, you women *say* you don’t need men anymore. But just wait until we start packaging tampons in tightly sealed jars.