wife: What’s the best moment of your life?
me: That time I won a stuffed dino-
wife: That didn’t involve a dinosaur
me: Our wedding
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If at first you don’t succeed then try, try again.
Unless you’re skydiving then good luck with that.
Apparently you can build quite a reputation if you go to all the Christian bookshops and ask if they carry Harry Potter.
No thanks iPhone quick reply… I wasn’t going to reply to that text for days.
I call my wife “Wordle”
She keeps me guessing.
I’m seldom right.
And it’s a daily occurrence.
him: i love you
me: im saving my emotions for the star wars premiere
Remembering when I taught middle school and some girls wanted to have a Twilight book club in my classroom and then they uninvited me when they found out I was team Jacob
genie: you have 3 wishes
cat: i want to go out
genie: ok
cat: and back in again
genie: done
cat: and back out again
genie: ffs
Apparently all my new nephew wants to do is eat and sleep…which means he’s already a lot like me.
It’s like my whole life is just one horrendous karaoke song choice after another.
Folks ask me if I ever get tired of putting smiles on the faces of kids and their families in my job as a theme park mascot and my answer is always the same: God yes, are there any openings where you work?
My neighbor has had 3 peletons delivered. This is a cult, right?
Crazy sister put: “I had a child very young so I had to mature quickly” on her resume once. Put her email address as MONKEYTUSHIES87 too.
If God wanted us to be vegetarians, he would have made broccoli more fun to shoot at.
No thanks, body wraps. If I believed magic would make me thinner, I’d eat a wizard.
[apiary]
ME: Are you the beekeeper?
BEEKEEPER: Yup
ME: Can I get some?
BEEKEEPER: Nope
ME: Is it because you k—
BEEKEEPER: I keep them
never deleting this app.
But what if it’s actually three trench coats disguised as a guy in a trench coat?
imagine giving a baby gold then watching a guy whose present is a drum solo and realizing how badly you overshot it
They caught Tupacs killer 27 years later, so by all means, keep sending FB messages that say “hey” to the girl who rejected you in high school. There’s always hope
Her: Would you like a complimentary orange juice with your breakfast?
Me: No, I’d like the rude, insulting orange juice, please.
Imagine you were a vampire nowhere near the Middle East and don’t know who Jesus is but the day after he dies you gotta figure out why lower case t’s started hurting.
“they arent wearing seatbelts” – my mom watching a car chase scene in any action movie
Wife: We’re so happy we finish each other’s
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Marriage Counsellor: ok so not happy
An old lady on the bus just tried to set me up with her daughter. Here’s everything she knows about me:
1) I don’t have a car
God: did you name the 2 moons of Mars?
angel: yes, Phobos & Deimos
[turns to 2nd angel]
God: and, what did you name earth’s moon?
angel 2: oh! ummm? the…Moon 🤷♂️
Doctor: If it gets worse, who should we notify?
Liam Neeson: Next of Kin.
Doctor: It shouldn’t come to that, though. How are you feeling today?
Liam Neeson: High Spirits.
Nothing cuts deeper than an insult with bad grammar and a spelling mistake.
DOCTOR: “You sit down too much.”
ME: “I understand.”
DOCTOR: “Exactly.”
My daughter and I decided to play Monopoly, and we’ve been arguing about the rules for the last hour.