Y’all: “I’m tryna lose weight, i’m about to eat salad”
The Salad:
You Might Also Like
8’s school reopens on Monday for the first time in nearly 3 months. They’ve given different drop-off times to avoid large crowds and ours is 20 minutes earlier than usual but joke’s on them I dropped him there last Tuesday
Stages of a quick trip to Costco:
1. I need only one thing.
2. I need a shopping cart.
3. I need help loading this in my car.
4. I need a bigger car.
Open heart surgery? No, just rip it out.
anime mfs be like “i promise it gets better just wait till episode 561 bro”
If anyone tells me doing something is a piece of cake, I presume it will gradually kill me by making me fat.
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
ROBOT: You cannot defeat us
ENGLISH TEACHER: Why’s the ch pronounced differently in orchid than in orchard?
ROBOT: [twitch, spark]
*carrying an armload of condoms to the CVS counter*
Excuse me, where are the fitting rooms?
Why are government cars always in a hurry!! That sense of urgency is not reflected anywhere in their official duties.
Widow: did he say anything before he passed?
Me: *tearing up* he just said “tell Sheila i love her”
Widow: who the hell is Sheila?
JUDGE: That THING cannot enter
ME: But Inky is my pet
OCTOPUS IN AN ASTRONAUT’S HELMET FILLED WITH WATER:*squirts ink at him*
INKY NOOOOo
If you eat guns, you’ll sweat bullets.
It’s science.
Hello? I’d like to rent one bouncey house, please. How many will be using it? Just one. Her age? Uh. Four……..ty-seven.
longing is fun but i prefer “shorting,” where i want something for like a day and then realize never mind
I’m not lazy, I’m an inactivist.
*RSVP’ing to Christmas party*
Whispering into phone: is it ok if I bring my weird roommate?
Husband, from behind me: STOP CALLING ME THAT
Chocolate fountains are so 20th century. This is the future. At my wedding we’re having a burrito fountain.
I love watching people parallel park. It’s like a sporting event for me. There’s betting and snacks, I call friends to go over the highlights, and shout tips at the car. Don’t be fooled though, I am 100% rooting for you to fail
Tell the colonel to bring it
“I should probably start filling this thing out.”
-I say about my son’s baby memory book on his wedding day.
My friend had her baby at home and I can’t even give myself a manicure at home
E-Harmony Rep: And here’s your starter cat-
Me: What?
Rep: Here’s your starter pack.
Me: You said cat.
Rep:
Me:
Rep:
Me:
Rep: *folder meows*
Y’all will never guess what her husband bought her. I’m hollering!!
Alcohol infused candy called Fermentos.
*gives joke answer to daughter’s 75th consecutive question*
[20 years later, she’s in an office] “Everyone knows the moon was built in 1973”
Interviewer: and I see under special skills you wrote “undoing the toilet paper roll?”
My toddler in a trench coat: that’s right.
By age 30 you should have:
$3 in savings
$5,000 in credit card debt
Existential dread
A favorite spoon
One half-dead plant you feel really bad about because your mom keeps asking for grandkids but you’re not ready and you thought this basil plant would be a good place to start
What, this is my emotional support rabid wolf
Neighbor was pissed because Scrappy was barking this morning, I told him well you can’t get upset it’s what dogs do, especially after finding human bones in the yard.